2-4

Whenever I finish reading a book or skimming an article it seems like talking to people becomes a little bit harder. I try to find the subject in ones conversation and its lost on me. Whats hilarious is when another person hears the exact thing I did they understand completely. Its like an invisible wall.

Played some Soul Calibur, got some freestyles in and looking to keep my hustles up as far as these computer repairs and job apps. The more I pump out the merrier. Many openings should be shinning their lights due to the holiday rush fast approaching, which is why my applications are going in now. Following up on them is something I should make more of a habit of though. So they can put a voice with my name. 

New conversations with new people have opened up new opportunities as far as friendships go, so communication has seen a slight increase. Ah also plans to go to a Haunted House this year. Its been ages. I had to be about sixteen or seventeen the last time. From what I remember the experience was something else. Floating mask, zombies and chainsaw men inside of houses all kinds of eye jarring things to gawk at. Things have changed in just the course of a few years, so we shall see.

Also a new mixtape have been completed. The beats have seen an upgrade, and so have delivery. Gripping that texture of wordplay with tempo mixture that can’t be denied is definitely in view. Reaching for the next set a bit too quickly is where the bumps are. The more I get to listen feel and react to what the music prints out, the closer I get to how it will sound when the project is compete. So far though, Im still aching to build or get into a full fledge studio.

Walked up to Family Dollar. Got a few frozen pizzas and some soups. No nice weird lady this time, but the chick at the cash register was pretty cheeky. I can’t wait to get a car, a job and some dough so that I can be a bit more friendlier with these cute people. I shouldn’t need that though. Well the day moves on either way. And it did. Walked home got inside where I appreciated the warmth of the oven. Threw in a pizza and loaded up Mass Effect. Speaking of gaming

The games. Much more Soul Calibur IV, Tekken series and GTAV. Bought a golf course, movie theatre and a local bar with Michael. Obtained a car lot and filled it up with four cars, three of which have been modified for racing with Franklin. And for Trevor, well I don’t know what business to buy with him. I updated his truck, bull horns on the front with maxed out engine and brakes. We’ll see whats on the map in that. Ivy’s three stances for her whip are becoming clearer. As you watch her whip it changes into its own separate forms from coil stance sword stance and whip stance. Chaining the stances together initiate custom combos that can be hard to avoid if the opposing player isn’t paying attention lol

Unlocked more chars on Tekken 3. About three maybe four more to go. The more I play the more I notice Tekken hasn’t really changed over the years. The same battle engine is pretty much intact in each and every game, just tweaked in different ways. Characters like Paul, Jin and Kazuya hold true to their same move set game after game, somehow refreshing the attacks making them seem like new. The stages start to get eventful and plush in Tekken 4, and the campaign with addition of more characters in Tekken 6 just adds to the series stability. Honestly, I’m interested in what Namco will release with Tekken 7. Thats probably when it’ll be time to start thinking about getting a PS4 lol

Anywho reading up on Motor Vehicle Laws, watching an episode of New Girl and thinking about going over a buddies house tomorrow, I end this blog on a note that says, today hasn’t been bad. 

PEACE

2-3

I just don’t have the will. For what? As weird as it sounds, for Work. 

Its a long story about me and work. We’ve had ups and downs.. Ive been played by work and I’ve ran schemes on work. When I say work, I mean like a Job. White Castle, K-Mart, those kind of jobs. But the reason my will to find work (even as I fill in and submit app after app) is personal.

It seems as if work is never about, well, work. Its always about the people and their personal issues. Its always some fake ass person you have to pretend to be chummy with. Its always about dodging questions about your personal life. Its more about the doughnuts and orange juice they brought in that morning. It seems like work is about everything but work. Its about clashing personalities.Who can brag the cleanest. Who can get the girl. Which chicks work pants were the tightest that day. How much small talk can I take before feeling like Im about to blow. Its about making it to break. The discounts… and blah blah blah.

I wish work was about work. Thats what I report to a job to do lol. Just that. Not chit chat, make new friends, I already have friends, I already have a life, don’t need a second one. I don’t need to prove anything to anybody except for me and the person that hired me. My worth at work shouldn’t be based on me knowing the score from last nights game or if I laughed at some co-workers corny jokes, but in my opinion should based on how fast and efficient my work is. How I effect the company Im working for. How well I keep up with the rush of having many extra things to do on top of my usual load. Thats what I report to do.. But because Im not licking any and everybody’s butthole that walks in my direction.. 

Its alright. My own business has been on my mind for years now. I don’t think computer repair will reap as much as I thought it would tho. Maybe I can make it side service. My whole life Im finding out is.. a lot different than I seen it originally. Many things are simple that I thought were complicated. And things that I thought were hard to understand are.. rather simple when looked at with a clean and fairer focus. And looking at me owning my own computer repair shop.. just seems kinda slow.. I see shops on the east and westside and they look empty.. Its not as popular. People would rather call Apple themselves or Dell or go to Best Buy and talk to Geeksquad for whatever reason. Like they won’t charge out the wahzoo. Don’t get me wrong my passion will always to fix tinker and repair technology, especially computers but thinking about my future right now it seems like Im chasing a dream thats simply not reachable right now. Im not getting enough clients every week, one maybe three.. five six on a good week. Its almost like America is saying “Sorry son, but you are destined to sit your ass in a seat and be lectured to death again for another two to four years, or work a part-time job until you die”

Just thoughts tho. Chilling before I go donate listening to Chance The Rapper. We’ll see how I feel through the Winter. Apps for Night Auditor and Crew Team Member have been turned in. Print new flyers again, new cards, again, putting the finishing touches on the website. Client flaked on me yesterday, said her trackpad has been acting weird. Called and said her money was funny. Another client who wants a fresh Windows with Office is suppose to drop the system off at another client of mines house, where I look at his system as well. He says his DVD drive is on the fritz. Im thinking a driver re-install. Another guy asked me about a laptop screen replacement. Someone else needs antivirus, not the free stuff the full gig so Im waiting on that connection when they need it they’ll hit me. 

Well this Chance is ight. I like some of these tracks. Super trippy. Deep breath and off I go.

Don’t watch TV any longer than a few hours. Thats still too long.

PEACE

A Day

Where is the missing frequency? Not where, but why does it miss me. Things feel rushed. Emotions are dull or burning. This isn't what I was working on. Hm. One of those days perhaps. Think think think. Why is the core of anything so hard to reach? And once reached why is it so hard to stay? Id like to live in the core. Learn the core. Thats what every things made of. Its hard to get in there. Its a rotten feeling this way.. I know things don't have to feel like this because Ive lived long enough and I have enough experience. The situation isn't pretty, but complaining one hundred percent of the way through isn't necessarily helping the situation. It boils down to how you deal with everything. And I mean everything.

I need friends. No, I need better friends. Ones who like to speak freely and openly. Friends who know the difference between life in a conformed box and life as it feels naturally. I need it because I feel alone and trapped. I feel like no one understands how this feeling feels. Everyone just goes on with the day instead of checking in with this feeling and seeing how it effects whats surrounding them. As long as the bills get paid they say. Not I.

I have a rare opportunity here. Not only have a gained employment (hip hip hoofrigginray) but I also have the eye of a person who see's the actions themselves, not what they are dressed up to be. Its whats been made of the situation. The care is being put on what things appear to look like, and thats whats taken at full value. Broaden the level of curiosity a bit.. As hard as that is today.. Because everything is either here, or there and no other way. But there are trillions of other ways.. "Here" and "There" are just the only two you've been given the option of selecting believing or accepting.

Im very thankful. Had the chance to see my family, both sides. Not all of either, my mom and dad come from opposite parts of the country. Most of my dads side came up from down south to my grandmas for Thanksgiving. Amazing family. Amazing food. Sensational children. Spent time with my mother before then. Her plate was delicious. Especially the mac n cheese. (I looooove mac n cheese). Seeing them helped me find more worth in existence big time. Feeling all that love under one roof from everyone. Remembering faces brought back foggy memories of being down south, riding bikes, scuffing up my shins on those high curbs.  Going to food fair, big grassy back yards and the weather being one hundred and ten degrees! Coming back tan like I had applied bronzing cream. I should've went to see my aunts and uncles on my moms side. I'll see them soon. I know they miss me. I miss them too.

I've been doing horrible with watching my diet even before Thanksgiving, thats probably why I feel like my bottom jaw is locked. So much sugar. Kool Aid, tea soda and other junk food has to be contributing to shortness of breath and the uncomfortable feeling in my mouth. Slacking hard on the workout too ack ack ack

Better days. Even better nights. Relationship with God maturing. Paying more attention. Letting more people in. Understanding life is a fluctuant current. And its not always a bloody massacre. Not always.

Okay. Fast food? Fast life.

PEACE

2-2

Today wasn’t all that great. But thats not why I am here.

When people look at me its like they see something that makes them uncomfortable or uneasy. What is that? What makes them look away from me as soon as I start speaking? I don’t remember it being like that when I was younger. People actually enjoyed talking to me. Whats changed? 

I was on the back porch, living out a shitty day, when the neighbor asked me if the dogs barking kept me up all night. I say I wouldn’t know because I sleep near the front of the house, but right when I said “I..” the woman sitting next to him turned away immediately, as if to say “Well he wouldn’t know anyway”. Whats with that? Very rude and snobbish behavior from someone who looked twice my age. But this isn’t the only occasion this has happened. 

See my voice is lighter than the average male’s, so I can see where brawnies and jocks might point and laugh and not take what I have to say seriously. My problem comes where I deepen my voice to hit the core of my vocals. Why would that be a problem you ask? Well thats when everyone frowns and wants to end it. So I don’t get it. I can’t win for losing. Honestly, tomorrow is another day, so Im done with this its old.

Woke up at nine. Went back to sleep. Woke up at eleven thirty. Made lunch. Ate with Heroes. Played some Sonic. Unlocked the next part of the game after beating the “Egg Bot Boss” or whatever it was. First stage in the second part pissed me off, so I turned it off and put in Tekken Tag 2. Beat it with Marshall Law and LiLi. Made some calls, set up a few missions and watched another episode of Heroes whilst cleaning a pig sty of DVD cases old sales papers and broom straws. The day just wasn’t quality. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh was the feeling hour upon hour. Cleaned up some more, got hungry and thought about playing Tekken 3 to unlock some more characters. Went back outside, posted some UFO quick price guides online and struck up an inquire about a Gateway screen replacement. Got him the estimate and was told he’d contact me when he was ready. 

Came back in still feeling low. Booted up Resident Evil 6 and began Ada Wong’s chapter. Not bad, but kind of annoying as shooting the soldiers only causes them to mutate into enemies even worse then they were before. Got to a puzzle that took me ten minutes longer than it should have and before I knew it, a few more gun battles later I was on a sinking submarine. After activating the power box and opening the door, I happily zip lined up into a situation where I had to answer questions directly into a speaker box while defending myself from idiot soldiers, nasty venomous fly swarms and etc.. That pretty much ended that chapter. 

And now Im here with a headache. Heroes Reborn season premier was saved onto the DTV. Hopefully it hasn’t been erased. Thinking about watching it.. But that unsettling feeing might just ruin it. I’d lay down and shut my eyes, but that only attracts negative thoughts. There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I need stable work so that I can save up and get out of this house.. Its not my kind of lifestyle.. I wasn’t raised for this.. Thoughts of hurting people deeply.. wanting to hear them suffer.. scream… wanting to see them bleed.. Those aren’t healthy normal thoughts folks. But who’s to say whats normal and healthy in the year twenty fifteen.. 

Be sure the expiration date on your groceries hasn’t been tampered with! 

PEACE

-Ignorant Wisdom-

So I've done what I believe to be a good interview with TruGreen. Probably ran away with my imagination a little bit towards the end, but I did get him to chuckle and loosen up a bit during the set and he did say "great answer" on more than one inquire.  

Barring the gift of laughter. People need to laugh. Its naturally  neccesary. Being around kids has me wondering; how do they not have a care in the world? Probably because they dont have the stress of being under constant depression like those of us who pay bills, run businesses or raise kids. But besides that, even after they have done something wrong, and a privalige of theirs has been taken away or they've been scolded, they still are not saddened because of a true gift.. A real happiness that is buried deep within their souls. No toy or TV could ever take that away form those kids. A real lesson to me; Im always buried deeply into a TV show, a video game book or music. So how could I ever know where MY own happiness is buried within me if Im always busy with something else? Thats a big part of being a citizen. Knowing how to lighten the air. We are all under pounds of stress every single day. Somebody has to cut through that, right? Its unhealthy for our minds and bodies. And its not easy breaking that mode of mind without sounding, or outright being fake. Or is it? Everyone wont understand this, at least not right away and there are many of us who still run away from what we do not understand. I point the finger at myself purely on that. Love. 

In my opinion love can be any and everything. And thats scary because, in this life you can run. You can run away from responsiblilties, people, hell the world. I AM PROOF of that. Granted you'll be broke, you wont have any nice things or any friends, but it IS possible to brush the world away. Love is there in everything you do. Whatever you touch. What you think. You must be fully devoted, or it will haunt you instead of help you. Let love do its thing, because it can hurt at times for it reveals truth and leaves you open to new things. The way we handle new truth.. 

We all have what I like to call, a “way” about how we would like things to be, or how we want things to go. Thats such a terrible box to live in, which is why its rough whenever I try to be social. (Look at how I hang these excuses up haha). I've made it a duty not to live in any kind of box. In fact, its tough for me to even see what people are talking about at times because, thats a box. People always have some kind of “main point” or “I say that to say this” attitude when conversating. So when they talk to me, its crazy because I dont fall into any obvious contraptions. I always try to stay as optimistic as the situation allows.  

Beautiful, stinking streets of cities. Filled with lies, smiles, attitudes, but mostly music. I break fools down into streams of shapes, sounds and colors. At times, I get looked at as a hero. Gave a kid my last dollar at FYE because, he was one dollar short. Whole store melted into a TV series about it. I didnt care. My goal was the kid, and filling in his missing puzzle piece. I was in fact uncomfy and left. Crazy what people will harp over. I guess thats just me living in my own little box where people should only harp where I see fit. Other times, Im looked at as a villian. Who is this guy. Who does he think he is. We do things like this round here. If you aint like the rest of us, you can go. Little do those guys know though, I feel the exact same. What a minute how was the last time a hero?

Im not trying to be white or black. (I definitely take up for MY PEOPLE that are of African, Egyptian culture). I hate that term “being black” its such a stereotype. I hate the word stereotype. Im not down for what TV has made the term “black” into. This gold chain, skinny jean american eagle aeropostale, ray ban wearing race who bump lil wayne and miley cirus. Shits sick. I am an orignal skate fashion artist, who even lived the skate life for a number of years before the TUBE got their money sucking hands on the whole style and just exploided it for dollars like they do (and have done) with everything else, including pregnant teens, retarded people and cancerous children. I got laughed out of some places for wearing what these kids do today. Ahead of my time some said. We are the rarest race on Earth, African Americans. Its a gift really. People show respect and fear those who are  not as common as the next man. Everyone is used to man or woman being on one path, to be better than one another or the next. But us as “Black Folk”, we tend to exceed the standard without even trying. Its a natrual to demand attention from the crowd. This is a scary ability though. Imagine living like Micheal Jackson used to everyday! People running up to you asking you questions, asking for advice, asking where you got this and that, asking you how you live and who are your family, how are you still alive and how you made it to where you are today, just for being “Black”. Insanity. 

Ive been up wasted for weeks in hotels. Ive dated the hottest. Been interested in drugs. (Came outta that though). Ive been in shootouts, had a gun pointed at me, been busted at. Ive been robbed. Been in fights. Ive bought hundreds of dollars of merchandise from my city's  main mall. Ive stolen many times. Ive pulled trickery over people. Lied. Ive done all that Good vs Bad Black fantasy ish that everybody harps over. That everyone believes every black person does. That everyone believes is Life. That ish is ignorance at its finest. Mind control at its most deadliest. 

Ill still take advantage though when I get bored. Ill rock multicolored gems around my neck and light a spliff. Ill smile at people with a sparkling rainbow mouth and step out in some unknown sneaks. Why? Because growing all that was straight up magic to me. So travel to the past? Bring up Santa Clause? No. I cant go buy him. He wasnt magic. He was a dream. But those ice wearing new shoe everyday guys on my block and on my tv screen were Gods. So would I be considered a God to myself? Whoo!

Its not about that as much as people think. You want people to look up to you, of course.  But not for making it far in a game that another man set up for you, you idioctic lab rat. You want people to see you for being turning out exactly the way you wanted to. 

2-1

More apps being filled out, side work is in the works and understanding patience and how it works have been the main things lately. Dunkin is hiring (said I’d never do another food service gig, boy was I wrong). A few PC’s have come up as well. The first sounds like a re-install, and the second Im supposed find out about today. Hoping its not some big nasty virus or horrid hardware issue. Ohio drivers practice test questions, Malcolm X bio notes and a little physics reading later, here I am.

Communication comes when it comes, but its still rusty. Lag, waiting for points and rushing to the end a lot leaves damage on the nerves, not to mention marks on the timing of ones ending. Calm down, listen to what someone has to say. Might not be all that bad. May actually be pertaining to something you’re interested in. 

The games. Lately its been big portions of GTAV. Looks like I have to locate gauntlet vehicles that are parked around town and they must be found and retrieved for a heist mission. About 60% into that one. Fight Night I took my third lost against a heavy hitting machine called “The Beast”. I pounded him out, but he pounded harder, making me fall to the canvas three times in five rounds. Third time I couldn’t get back up, so the bell sounded and I took the lost. Then theres Tekken, Sonic Generations and Soul Calibur IV. IV just feels more authentic to the Soul Calibur series compared to V. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fresh crispy feeling, new characters and redone presentation that V brought to the table, but IV just feels like a plushed out, well done game that sat out to feel “Finished”. Having as many characters as Soul Calibur V has, how you can you include no ending story for anyone? So we’re stuck with fresh new storyless characters? After completing the campaign mode included there’s really nothing else to do. Create characters, earn titles and boost your overall player level, other than those main points the game does nothing more to keep you interested in the long run. IV, on the other hand, offers Story Mode (even for custom characters) Tower of Souls Mode, not to mention custom weapons that add effects which change the prospective of battle tremendously. Just seems like there’s much more of a balanced pace in IV over V. Love both games though. Cant wait for VI. 

Found my copy of Tekken 3 while shuffling through random disc, so I loaded it up. Oh the grain! The boxed in format which tunnels my vision lol. As stiff as the game felt, it delivered, with furious “think now or pay later” kind of game play that lead to my unlocking three characters before turning it off. I got into Sonic Generations some more. I see what people love about this title, but after loading up SEGA Genesis Classics for PSP and playing Sonic 2, I can also see what people hate. Its well put together for what was tried for. In my personal opinion, for a game the represents “Generations” of the Sonic franchise it could have been a bit more of a solid game. Have I beaten the whole thing? No. Was unlocking the original Sonic the Hedgehog game unexpected and awesome as hell? Absolutely. Certain parts on many stages just feel lazy and not well thought out. I died because I ran through a wall on more than one occasion, which shouldn’t be happening seeing as how WALLS are suppose to be SOLID objects. But Im enjoying learning my way around such small glitches, as yes the game pisses me off but it also provides grave entertainment for those who are like I and yearn to play through stages that were originally created ages ago, brought back for our time with an expanded horizon and graphical update. 

A few new mixtapes in my iTunes. Kiss, Juelz and Cass have returned with new flame for my headphones.. or at least new to me. Im still looking for new rock tunes though.. I can’t find Coheed’s Year of the Black Rainbow anywhere. May just have to chalk a few dollars up at The Exchange. What new rock bands are out there? I still need Arctic Monkeys, Linkin Park, Yellowcard, Japanese Cartoon and many, many more bands that are missing from my iTunes. 

Right man so Ali ended up coming up to visit! Came up Saturday, left home Sunday but fuck we had a blast at the hookah bar. Went to Chipotle had a chicken bowl with mainly just cheese tomatoes and other light garnishings (Don’t really mess with the beans and the other stuff too much). Ate that, chatted outside and pretty much went straight to the bar. 

So things were pretty average until we ordered the first hookah. Thats went things loosened up, jokes flew around and weird but appropriate giggles rolled into smiles and laughs. Vic came and well, from there it pretty much lit up. We ordered another hookah, some Grey Goose shots, some delicious beer or ale type of beverage I couldn’t tell you the name of, I ordered some Jameson shots, drank some Long Island Iced Tea. The place eventually filled up, and well thats when the magic started.

For the last hour or so there was a dance off, between two guys with some girls on the side. The girls came and pulled us out of our seats for some light prancing (I never was a dancer still don’t really) but it was fun to be close up with gorgeous people pumping estrogen testosterone alcohol smoke smiles and laughs. Everything was sticking to me and flying off me at the same time, if THAT made any sense. So I sat my tipsy self down and watched them get real with the dance off.

The heart thief, the robot and all the other iconic dances you could think of pretty much went down. Each move was more of a story that said “Yeah, so what can you do now? What can you think up next?” Ordered one more pitcher of that great tasting alcoholic beverage that looked like beer and the lights came on. Stumbling up we exited the bar and ended up outside on the steps in front of the Grog Shop.

I told James I had some bubblegum kush back at the car, so we exchanged Ali my leftover Chipotle for her car keys. Went back to the car, rolled up and gave him a sneak peak of the mixtape I’d been working on. He says “Yo, I can definitely respect the evolution..” went on about that then something else. Kush rolled, I close the door and start the animation to light up when Ali and Vic come dancing down the sidewalk. With no Chipotle. Im like where’s my food? My eight/nine dollar leftovers that was sure to be a hitter the next morning they go on about how Vic knocked it out of her hand, no no Ali dropped it, a big flub ball of whatever.. Im like REALLY!? Lighting up we commence in discussing what just went on and  what was about go happen. Talks of another bottle? The hotel room? Vic grabs me by the left arm and we dug slightly into a weird but completely comfortable conversation about frying recipes. Somehow things got switched and Ali was on my arm, saying how Vic had to drive because she’d had too much to drink. 

We got to the car and had an episode there for about twenty minutes so. The bathroom, who’s gonna drive my car, how am I getting back, are you staying over, who’s got curfew.. Eventually ending up in the car, we drive right over to the next lot where Vic’s car was. In attempts to roll up AGAIN I just can’t take it, so I walk down to where the playground to drain what seemed like four liters of liquid. Surprisingly a skunk decided to join me from about eight feet away. I spotted him, he spotted me. Slowly zipping up, I back away with caution not wanting to get this guy excited at all. After backing out of the playground and back up to the grass I turned around and started thanking the air around me.. “Whew I didn’t get sprayed!” Got close to the car and explained to them what happened, as they bawled on like what I said had come from a book or show. 

More clambering about what we’re about to do, then we did it. Got back to the hotel and things from there started turning into black swirls with color. Instead of trying to figure it out, I just gave up. Next morning (which had an rather interesting turn of events) we got showered, got dressed and got out. 

I sit now watching an episode of Heroes, wondering what game shall I load up. Burgers for dinner it looks like. Might start this broken Wii project thats been staring me in the face. Disc aren’t reading anymore. It is the lens? The gears? Menu and everything appears fine on power up. Ill tamper with it perhaps once I locate the composite cables (or component eithers fine). Get a few UFO flyer up, lift a few weights, review a few short term goals and chill out a while.

Things that have gone bad can appear to be fresh and good. But nothing beats the nose. 

PEACE

Palm

1-9

Refreshed my LGC enrollment, but got sicker than a dog over the weekend. Well, not THAT bad but shit. Sneezing coughing snot mucus throat hurt headaches all kind of shit. I sit now though feeling okay. Bumping that old school, getting ready to head out into the city. 

Many, many things have been running through my head as of recent, but if you know me there’s an order to the chaos that courses throughout these veins. Meaning, let me get my head together.. my Ma.. Dad.. This house that I LIVE IN.. woo wee.. I gotta go folks. Friends.. so called people who care.. fiending for a job that will put enough in my account for an apartment after a month or two. 

What have I done. As of lately, nothing outside of the norm. And thats a problem. Besides having a star stricken conversation with my mother, everything else just bleeds in as normal. The chain must be broken. Thats why I feel trapped like this. Its too normal. Im not normal. Im out. I need out! I need dough to be out. No I don’t. I still think about women and money being the two most important things, but even outside of that there’s like this big missing piece of.. something. Women and Money? What the hell where are you priorities. I just know this isn’t how I want it be forever. What makes me get up and want to take risk? Nothing. Where’s my passion? My fire? To create wild things? Im almost done with hip hop/rap. At least the basic parts. I Want to expand now.. no more witty punchlines.. Im leaving the surface with the next project. Wont be easy with sooooooooo much pulling me down!

Construction truck pulling up outside the house cleaning up the remains of a septic tank job they’d done a few weeks ago. She’s on Fire! Amy Holland blaring my ears. Pre heating the oven for a quick sandwich and fries (shit I shouldn’t be eating this early in the morning) and I guess an episode of Heroes and I’ll be off. 

Dunno. Not many other things bothering me right now, besides the ache to make life better. Just the basics of communication need to bump up.. Its all I have.. It needs to be clear and consistent.. Not just the bare minimum. I feel it getting better though.. I have a feeling that once my surroundings change thought I’ll be straight. Gotta look out for me right?

Welp. Don’t watch too much TV. 

PEACE

1-8

Man weirdness. Right temple throbbing, no motivation to go to open interviews at LGC today but they’re doing it tomorrow too, so headed there tomorrow. Not sure if I need copies of my resume or not, but stopping by the library and printing a few out shouldn’t be too hard. Right?

Man, the stress level is through the roof! Feels like Im being packed inside of a small box.. like my brain is being boxed in physically.. Ive been eating so many GMO’s sugars and other unhealthy shit though Im kinda surprised I haven’t passed out on the floor. I’ve been getting my breathing back together though.. like the flow of breath through these soot covered, fat incased lungs. They need air.. They need to breathe. My whole body needs to breathe.. Weirdness. So Ali popped back up. (Hey Ali!) An old friend who went to my old school. The best part is, she’s coming up to visit next week and wants to kick it. Hell yeah! Let me scrape up a few coins.. Coventry and movies.. Fuck yes.. maybe thats that breath I was hoping for. This city can be so seedy. Anywho tho, The focus has been video games and mild reading. Black poetry and Malcolm X. Where he was born, how he moved around and eventually became a big name in the black community. Not finished yet, but so far the muslim organization he was apart of had to let him go. 

Getting kind of deep into that Grand Theft Auto V. Its a pretty good game, more like a LOOOOOONG ass interactive movie, where you play the role of three main characters who you can switch from at anytime. Pretty impressive, but like anything else, too much of it and you’re bored outcherr ass. That damn 2K13.. Fucking HATE the controls.. I can’t buy a bucket.. Cant make a layup.. Cant pass into the paint without putting the ball right at the opposing teams feet.. OH and the OPPOSING TEAM.. They score daily.. No shots missed.. %100 from the three.. Stupid fast shot creation.. Deep depression there. Then there are other titles like Fight Night Round 3, Dead or Alive 4 and other games that I play to catch up or knock the rust off of. Madden and NCAA 10. I need new football games.

So she made steak and rice. It tasted alright. Kinda salty the steak was, but Im happy to eat anything. Just trying to get these aches out of my circle so that I can communicate fully and freely.. Thats what will land me a job. They want to know if you can work and communicate thats all.. Can you be cool and flow with the day? With too many other stresses on your plate already how you can hold down a job? You can’t. And these interviewers.. These hiring managers they see it all over your face. They feel the confidence in your vibration as soon as you walk into the office room or wherever it may be. So yeah.. tomorrow Im going to dress business casual, button up pair of pants and a button up and be ready for anything..

Pffffffft what else ah yeah my bud Alex got a Vita.. Sooooo perhaps Ill have a mobile gaming pal now.. depending on what games he gets. We both already have SFXT.. Hope he’s been practicing Im already pretty good at that game. He’s more of the sports type tho; And as mentioned above.. :-[

Nothing really super duper special. Ah yes my Father (as I heard from my mother) is going to have surgery on his brain.. there is a tumor in it that needs to be removed.. Couldn’t believe my ears but we are all human beings! Anything can happen to any of us at any given time. I do pray for him even thought I know he will be okay.. Dad is strong and will be good once he gets back home. I miss my Dad. Learning more and more life is meaningless without people who love you.. Like genuinely love you.. The kind of love you can FEEL.. Kind of love that can’t be questioned. 

Well folks thats pretty much it. Guess I’ll tap around on this computer till I fall asleep. 

Leave the soda outcha life!! Cant wait to leave it out of mine.

PEACE

1-7

Im coming to a realization. Its pretty deep. 

Im living deep inside of a hole. Whats interesting is, I can peep out to interact with the world in small increments at a time. But it, seems as if everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY) is living out of the box, and Ive been the one stuck in the box this whole time. I was thinking it was the opposite; that I Was the one who had the right idea, that I was the one who was thinking too clever for anyone to understand. Turns out the more I pay attention, the more I feel like the fool because, well, everyone else is so much more successful in this life than me. Who am I to tell someone about them self, when they themselves have a foundation that surpasses mine on every level. 

I feel like Im living in a deep dark place that nobody (besides maybe mom) can care enough to pull me out of because it would take too much work. There’s a lot of gunk dust and layers of dark thickness to crack through in order to see some kind, hell any kind of light in my world.

No job. No money. Dead end relationship. Not to mention, day to day miseries of the world. Gun blast a kid got shot coming out of the store yesterday. Went to a concert (the hottest concert of the year might I add) and pretended to have a decent time but I felt pretty dead. Me and my girlfriend.. its over between us but we hold on, we have our reasons. And me I just pity myself way, WAY too much.

America doesn’t want to see you cry. Nor does America want to see you frown. America wants to see you put your problems behind you and find a reason to be happy. I can’t do that. In order for me to be happy, my life has to be in order. I have to have faith in my future. Things like a paycheck, sex and other things that make many people forget their problems, they don’t work for me like they do other people. Actually the effect is opposite of that; It makes things WORSE. I worry even more. I scold myself for spending so much money on such things that are impulse purchases. Reason being? Because I was bored. Or because I was upset but didn’t want to admit to it at that point in time.

Im going to go on a wild guess here and say, I’ve spent at least three thousand dollars with my dealer since meeting him. Thats a down payment on a car. Hell, that IS a car. Thats deposit for an apartment. Thats furniture. Thats a lot of things, other that what the money went to. I don’t really regret spending that much money on marijuana over the course of a year or so (especially since me and my dealer have somewhat of a relationship, so I know he’s just hustling to feed his family), but what I do wonder is what was I thinking week after week while I was purchasing the gram. I can’t wait to smoke? Man Im bored as fuck? Oh boy does this life suck? This will make it better? I mean what was my mind frame? It became a habit. It became as habitual as breathing. Hustling during the week, smoke out on the weekends. Most times it was one gram, other times it was two. Whats the point in this?

Ive lost control. Im spiraling downward in a life I wasn’t meant to live, in a life thats not meant for me. I wasn’t raised around weed and alcohol. It was never in our house, EVER. My mom, nor did my dad smoke or drink until way later on down the line until after I was grown. Thats when I experimented with pot; friends in the ghetto introduced me and well I thought it was pretty cool but it was just that, an experiment. Now, I almost feel like I need pot just to make life balance out. Like I need it to blow steam. To release tension and stress. Its like nothing else can do it. And Im not blaming my friends in the ghetto, nor am I blaming myself, but the habitual environment thats created in doing such. Without watching ones self, you can fly off into a world of things you won’t even know you did. You’ll wake up one morning and say “How in the hell did I get here?” “What was I thinking?”

Its rather dangerous. A lot of things I could not understand as a child, like why people did certain things, I can understand now. Outside forces (Even outside of pot alcohol and other drugs) can cause you to do things, act upon things you never thought you would do. Which is why, in my opinion its important to watch yourself at all times. There’s no safety net in this world where you can let lose and be worry free. There is always something around the corner, watching you waiting on you to slip so that you can fall into its trap. ALWAYS. So watch yourself people. Something else always is.

As far as me, theres some reconstructing that needs to be done. Some faith in God that must be renewed because me and God, when I was younger, we rocked hard together, through thick and thin. But I find myself hiding from God, trying to trick him into believing my lies because I am embarrassed at the things Ive put myself though. And all God does is leave me, waiting on my honest calling so that he can come back and help me throughout this life. I know I can get my God back, but it will hurt, and there’s no one else to turn to or blame that on but me. 

Alright. Youtube at 3:00am is probably not the healthiest of activities. 

PEACE

1-6

Watched the Video Music Awards last night. Made a vein in my right eye go kind of haywire, but thats not what caught me off guard. I now have an extreme interest in one of the music industry’s biggest pop stars, Miley Cyrus. Why? I don’t know. Oh I know why. When you see her on Instagram or wherever else she is, she looks like this cute, frilly school kid who needs attention from loving puffy animals and long loving hugs. So thats what I expected when she hosted the VMAs last night. Dude… It was like a completely different person came out of that girls mouth when she started talking! Not only did the person she concealed sounded completely different; She light weight sounded Black! So much soul from a frilly little white girl. And Im not racist nor do I believe in race all like that, but dude that blew my wig back. I watched the rest of the two hour program- just to hear that girls voice. It was like she was a full grown woman packaged inside of a tiny weeny little girl, boasting authentic woman power that honestly I haven’t seen or heard any woman use (besides my mother of course) in a LONG time. It was like.. some ancient person had taken over Miley’s body and used every inch of it to speak sing dance and perform. Im still kind of peaked as I type this out. I had never been into her, ever, even when she first came out. I had a song or two due to women being around and wanting to hear her music, probably Youtubed her a few times but nope. Not an album, video or song had graced my iPod ever. She has a free album out now called “Miley and her dead pets” or something to that effect. Perhaps next time I go to the library Ill check it out (for whatever reason).

Anywho, its been brought to my attention that my girlfriend is no longer into the relationship we have. So, as soon as I find work, I shall save, and I shall be out. Thankful yes because I have a roof, but we may have to discuss a “Roomate” situation. I don’t know how much more mental, spiritual abuse I can take without saying something about it outright. Its the things she does; Walks away in mid conversation, brushes off the things I tell her bother me, no consideration for me whatsoever, etc. Its already obvious she doesn’t really think outside the box, but I could have helped her with that in the future. Its that her heart, deep DEEP down, is in the right place and just needs to be showed some love to flourish. But its frozen solid. No remorse for her disrespectful actions, its just a whole heap of craziness. But I won’t make this whole blog about that. In short; I hope to last here until I can find a job and save money to move out. Wanted a car, but that will have to be put on the back burner, as this folks is an emergency. 

So Im having conversations with my good ol mama and every time Im down, she’s there to pick me up. This is what I thought friends did. Heck, this is what I thought girlfriends did. But she does it and I love her for it. She doesn’t have to spend time talking to a saddy dud trying to pull himself out of a hole. But she does because its love. Love. I can’t do enough to show my appreciation to such an amazing, funny, intelligent woman. But maybe call her more. (Dag!) Love my mother, man. Don’t know how I’d be feeling without her there to talk to. 

I think I put too much butter on those sandwiches. Wheat bread, Kraft american and steak I cut up into small pieces for lunch. Pretty much soaked them so Im slightly dizzy. Im changing my diet, working out and getting the hell out of this dark damp mind state I’ve been in. Im not blaming anything either. Not the girl Im with, not this neighborhood, not the government, nothing. Im in the body I walk, talk and eat with so Im my own responsibility. As hard as its going to be (boy will it be hard. I been brainwashed on chicken and kool aid something terrible), it can be done. I have friends who are JUST LIKE me who have posted before and after pictures of their results after just a years work. The difference is uncanny. So lets get ready to die lol. Bust the fat! Bust it off with FORCE. Cant believe I let myself get like this.. No regrets though. It was fun eating dinner for two, eating whole packs of cookies and carrying on, but the future is fast approaching, and thirty is coming. I don’t want my body to get used to being treated like this!! Also; I’d like to be able to run and jump, perhaps ride a skateboard or two at the age of 40! So yeah.. Its coming.. my mental has to grow with me.. Come on mental.. get your lazy but up.

Been feeling real sore about my Dad lately. I know thats where those sore feelings and miserable spells are coming from. Besides living with a girl who Im pretty much over. Anyways, the reason I am not going to call is because, I ALWAYS call. Everytime we get into something, its me, Gee who is calling him throwing up the white flag. His big head needs to call me this time. Im a person who deserves an apology, at least a phone call to discuss and get over the situation. And I can promise you after what he said to me, he won’t get a call from me. He’s the one living the life he built for himself folks; a home, a car and all the food music movies and whatever else you can imagine he has it or can get and get it quickly. So its no disrespect, we just live two different lives and see things two different ways although we are very much alike. And I can take his side of the story- the problem comes when its time for him to take my side. And he cannot. He refuses. And his champion excuse is this, “You’re my son, not the other way around”. In other words, “I don’t have to do anything, but you have to do everything”. So I, being twenty nine years of age can be played, disrespected and talked to any old kind of way because.. You’re my dad? Okay old man.. only in your world. Sad to because I love him and will do ANYTHING for him to return all of the years he helped take care of me when I was young, bought me clothes christmas gifts food you name it. But its like we can’t meet on a balanced level because if he isn’t Lording over me he doesn’t want anything to do with me. And I for one.. well I feel like thats fucked up. So here we are thinking of each other just about everyday.. wondering what each other are doing missing each others company when all he has to do is be a man and pick up the phone to talk to his son. Maybe his head will deflate soon and he will realize how silly he is for holding a grudge against his ONLY son, lol. Cant say only child anymore. Oh and my sister.. I need her presence.. it brings such a reality.. such a purity to me.. can’t explain it. But anyhow.. Yeah thats how that goes.. So now Im sitting wondering what I should do. Get my Scorpion back up to speed, work some of the fat off of this belly of mines, skate, listen to music or play some PSO.

Either way, view the expiration dates on drinks before gulping them. You may be surprised. 

PEACE

1-5

Man, Its been a good while since Ive posted, blogged or whatever you wanna call this thing. I just like to type out my own thoughts, you can look back on them with new eyes and evaluate (this dude here sounds like a cop) how you came to the decisions you made, the things you did or said. Its pretty cool. 

Anyway, still no super stable income, no call back from Roses Discounts yet (who said they’d call me once the store opened up) but I am remaining faithful and patient because, well the interview went pretty well. Me and my girlfriend got into a huge fight.. I came home and she was down in the basement where I usually am, sitting in a chair crying. Now she’s know for keeping in her feelings and walking on eggshells (we all do this as human beings, but she takes this concept to its most extreme level) so I was already asking her questions. Was it something I Said? Something I did? Perhaps I forgot about something I else? Do you want to break up- She shook her head up and down meaning yes on break up. Her reasoning was, she doesn’t think she’s good enough for me. She thinks I can do better. She doesn’t want to tarnish my golden life with her presence. Hard to believe, but thats what she said. I had to nip this in the bud quickly because a) Straight up if I left there, I’d be homeless and b) She’s a good person deep down, and she doesn’t deserve to feel as lowly as she does. We all make mistakes, some more than others, but to take it this far is, once again, extreme. 

I told her to let Me decide on who is best for me. Because even if we don’t work out, it doesn’t mean ill hate her for all eternity. It’ll just mean it didn’t work out. And with my current situation, It would be kind of hard to live in the same house broken up, and ultimately its her place no matter how much I put on anything I’d have to be the one to leave. Its so sad because its like there’s a force holding her back. Like an invincible hand choking her neck stopping her from being who she completely wants to be. I tell her who cares about judgmental people, forget about the joneses, etc but I don’t know. Maybe this last fight will do it, because we decided on trying this one more time, trying to work it out, so whoever knows what will happen. Perhaps she will brighten up, perhaps she will not. Either way, I still need to find work.

In the midst of watching tons of heroes episodes and crafting my hip hop status, I’ve been wondering a lot more about emotion, pain, joy, suffering and many other things that us as people go through. The natural part of life that allows you to feel what you are going through, instead of just being able to talk about it. I’ve been wondering about that because, its a weird thing to describe. Its not automatic. You can’t press a button and make it work. It grows. Its seeded deep and waits for you to make the right move that helps it flourish. Thats what we fight for. To naturally live out our days. Tough though not to be a cold damp lifeless person when so much of life has been taken over by, well, everything. Almost everything we do takes on another life in itself, lol. So you can easily forget where you got those feelings from, making them float on, until either a) They return, or b) some else ignites the idea within you.

That got a bit weird. Anyways, Jerhon has been calling me like crazy, need to get in touch with him. When I do finally call back, he doesn’t answer! So I just left a nice voicemail saying “Yo man! Calling ya back, whats up! Call whenever you can bud” kind of message. Hung with James at the hills, we blazed up and talked about some of everything. Always good to catch up with him. Then there is this new guy who wanted to hang, his name is Alex. He didn’t live too far, so I hopped over.

This guy is pretty cool, but pretty weird, as I’d expect from any true gamer. He is good at games, but not as good as me. He listened to about twenty seconds of a few different songs off of my mix tapes, said its not his kind of music. I respected it, but then noticed, thats the market I want. I want the people who don’t even LISTEN to rap/hip hop music to hear my stuff and say “Impressive” or “Thats different Ive never heard it like that”. So that gave me a flare to do something different. I can kind of feel it, just have to save it and put it onto something permanent. Got blazed with him, he put ten on the og I had brought and we gamed, laughed, debated and had a pretty decent time. He let me borrow Power Season 1, haven’t watched that yet. Left my heroes disc three and my hdmi cable there. Probably head back over this weekend depending on how the days roll. 

Thats just some of the chaos, the hecticness that went on. Right now that Im debating on paying for a ride to the game exchange or just catching the bus. More later on tho! 

See ya when I do.

Palm

1-4

Man so I decided to come out the house tell me why there was an entire parade whips kids doing routines girls ladies motorcycles police lol man it was wild music food everything. I pulled out my camera immediately and started recording footage. African flags, DJ’s Trophies Hummers Blazers Lowriders with rims bumping music balloons up in the air Im telling you. So Im still walking after my camera goes dead (thanks to not charing the battery the night before) and a group of super raw bicycles with gold rims and dope paint jobs bend the corner. An old lady was behind me smiling looking at the scene. Walk towards the downward hill where this girl was on her phone. I kept walking reaching for my phone, nothing there. Thinking I left it at home I spot a bench. A family was in the far distance just ahead of the field in front. I sat for a minute thinking, how could I leave the Kit Kat at home. Shaking my head I pull out the amazing bud I had gotten yesterday and proceeded with the roll up process, while thinking of the insane footage I had just gotten.

After rolling up, I got up and decided to walk down into the creek. So I walked down and noticed the stony area up top looked better. Hopped up the steps and sat up top. Unloaded the Mac and listened to my new mixtape for about the fourth time. 

Its awesome. I mean the beats are knocking the lyrics are on point but there is still something else I am trying to reach with this style. I like the carrying of the words on with the instruments in the music. The texture change in they fit with the beat. But the content of these songs are mostly irrelevant and have nothing to do with helping todays society. Its a style like, “Yea Yea, I came on these beats to clown out man I don’t know what you came here to do, but thats what I came here to do man get it in so lets get it! Yo!” Like instantaneous attraction to the music itself and not so much about anything in particular. Buuuuuut you get the point. 

So I got blazed listen to that and got so high, my ass looked down from where I came from and was like well damn. I thought about going down into the creek. So I did so. Hopped down the steps and saw that family was still chillin’ over there. Kinda felt intimidated by the path that led into the creek and stopped for a minute. Though like nah, if I can skateboard Im pretty sure there shouldn’t be a hospital trip. So I hopped over the huge tree that had got knocked down tipped downward into the grassy area that led to the creek. I maxed out for maybe an hour, then rolled up. Listening to that Ab Soul I blazed up. Turned on some Prince and started this blog. 

Yesterday was about an average day. Got woken up and was told the day was starting in minutes. Got dressed in about fifteen minutes bumping that Run This Town Hov and Rihanna. Hope thats how you spell her name. Ride outside got in the car, drove in a circle, ended up at Family Dollar, dropped gf off at her job, dropped me off at the plasma center where I got a quick fifty two dollars, from there went to Family Dollar and bought arm floats that I thought were kites. After the surprise, we headed back home and from there I left. 

After receiving and noticing how awesome the trees were that I had gotten from my plug, I played a few games of Street Fighter and saw how it was not enjoyable to me for some reason. Not like it was a bad game, it just felt slow and fake. The gameplay didn’t stick at all. So I turned it off and there were groceries in the driveway. Went outside pulled the groceries in the house, listened to her shitty day at work and ultimately sent her off to bed. Pretty much it after that ate some Doritos watched Heroes. Everybody’s powers vanished. People got shot and hurt. People are out for vengeance on others now that the powers are mysteriously disappeared. It gets wild, but I grew bored at that and laid down. 

Now I sit chilling, wondering about what Im going to do next. I got new tracks at home, thinking of going back and checking those out. I may sit here a while longer and just think somethings out.

Alright folks, stay cool, don’t eat anything that has radiation coming off of it. 

PEACE

1-3

Nothing super duper. Woke up, washed dishes while listening to Snoop while trying to remember what I did to feel so good the day before yesterday. After washing those I went into the basement and turned on the PS3 to highlight the Video section and traveled down to a file called “Cardio Abs”. Actually before I got to that I surfed around some Martin episodes, some Exile stuff and some other vids, but I overall ended up at that workout vid. 

You want to talk pain? Breathing? I’ve worked out before, done the fit test over a few times so its not like I was a stranger. But every time I get busy I am more surprised by how much weight I carry. By just how heavy I am. But I don’t even feel it when Im walking, doing light jogging or doing daily stuff. But those stomach twist and leg lifts? Out of energy and breathing like someone was sucking the oxygen right out of my lungs. Im a smoker (no cigs just cannabis) so like I said before its no surprise. Its just crazy. I need to be on it though every morning so that I can get my foot back into the door of fitness and healthy living. I mean I know it requires proper dieting, cleaner water etc etc but stretching these muscles, waking up these muscles and getting my breath rotation back right is most certainly in the right direction.

So after the agony I showered got dressed and watched an episode of Martin with lunch. Just a couple tots with a sandwich and some hot and spicy cheezits. Things good man. I finished off the box while playing 2K on 360 fuck. Dallas didn’t want to lose so we went overtime. We came out on top though, my created player was player of the game. We got big passes and plenty of good looks so many assist were on the board. 

Turned that off watched a few episodes of The Simpsons. The one where Bart made Nelson bleed, and the one where Lisa had the blues and met the jazz man Bleeding Gums. I got extremely bored after that and decided to get some air. 

I walked to the backyard to a black cat with white paws chilling looking round. I sat on the step, plugged in my earbuds and hit play on Snoop. Fucked around on Facecrook and IG got bored with that and turned the 4G LTE off. Looking back up at the cat it was sleeping peacefully. The sky was a silvery blue. Pretty cool winds rustled through the leaves and trees. The cat woke up and saw me. I tried to call it over, but you know kitties. Just sat there. Listening to more music, switched over to Pharrell now. This time when I made the kitty cat sound (you know, that “tick tick tick” noise) the cat walked on over towards me, stopped and got on its back and starting wiggling around. Then a squirrel came out, and it and the cat had a quick stare down moment, like wild west but on animal mode. Squirrel went up the tree, stopped and starred at the cat, but the cat had already been looking on to other things. 

Going back in I thought and said “You know what, I want to play with Jordan” booted up 2K for PS3. Completely different controls than the other one I play, so I lost by like five points to the Wizards. Big disappointment. Went up stairs cleaned off a pair of OSIRIS that had been due for a cleaning ages ago. I just scrubbed off the big stains and dirt. They look pretty good now. Back down stairs and into the basement I did a little thinking and went back outside. Listening to Ludacris, he inspired me to do a little something, so I did. 

Terrible syndrome, don’t know whats causing it but I get all built up, all energized and ready to spit that good flame that people know Napalm for but as soon as the beat drops and I hit record its like all that just vanishes. Very annoying yes. But I did what I could do and I got some specials in on a few tracks so I guess I shouldn’t complain. But whatever thats annoying its an interference on my concentration and its not cool. 

Thats pretty much it tho. Worked on some music, my girlfriend came home from a shitty day at work. She told me all about it and I told her what she should do about it. She said she will attempt to do so. I had her cut up some potatoes so that I could fry them up, and so it happened. We ate with Bernie Mac until that went off and Martin came on. I sent her to sleep, downloaded an old song that popped into my mind called “Standing On The Top” by Rick James and the Temptations, man is that a classic piece of music. We used to get down and wild when that song came on. I mean its was party time for really real. Did a little more music engineering and now Im typing this. 

I notice, that whenever I find ways to make my energy purer as well as create a higher vibration its like something can’t take that and smushes all of that down then kicks it far, far away. I remembered how important I was to the world after reading old, really old blogs of my life a few days ago, and that relit a fire inside I hadn’t had for a very long time. I was feeling like “why live” “Its pointless” until I had read those blogs. I took part in so many different activities, had many friends, many MANY up and downs and all sorts of parties, family times and those feelings came back, my old humor came back, everything came back as if to say “We’ve Been Waiting On You! Welcome Back”. But since that day its been harder and harder to keep those emotions and good feelings up and alive. Maybe its suppose to be a fight. They say you see the sunshine after you weather the storm.

Well I’m pretty crabby and aggravated so I guess I’m headed to bed. I love you guys. Don’t do bad things if its not necessary for survival. 

PEACE

1-2

Welp, nothing really extraordinary. One of my ex’s had their baby yesterday, so of course I dropped a congrats. Looks like they got a baby boy. I can’t say anything else but, Congratulations and Good Luck! If you’re reading this, I hear parenting is one hell of a ride and I know you have the experience but you can never be too prepared! From Your friend Napalm lol. Oh wait I guess that is extraordinary huh

I don’t see myself having any children anytime soon. My rebel self if saying “Nigga, why would you bring more life into a melting shithole such as this? Do you want him to go through all the same shit you did? You still are?” I know there were good times as well as bad, but is it worth it? Was it worth it? Thats another topic. Im trying not to leave any big holes in these blogs so Ill say, yes it was worth it to ME, but the question is do it think its worth it enough to bring another life into this world. But then another side of me says “Awww! I want a son! Or a daughter! I want to teach them, learn from them, have my own little ball of spity slobby eye gleaming joy to hold and kiss and lay down take naps with”. But if there is one thing I’ve learned from everybody, is that its best that your pockets are up before indulging too much into that idea.

Other than that, just hanging, waiting on my ride to the plasma center. Waking up from a weird as dream I had an itch to spit some freestyle, and so I did while in the bathroom. Its crazy because Im remembering the real purpose of freestyle. I was so wrapped up in putting bars together that I forgot the sole core is finding truth, within anything, everything and yourself. Its to tell stories, to explain other places to people who have never been and will probably never go. Once you start unlocking and digging deeper into your mind you even surprise yourself with words themes memories and thoughts you didn’t even know you had. Freestyle to me is about keeping up with yourself, setting yourself on a path just to free yourself from it, then return to it. Its about exploring to see where your mind will take you. I can’t say it enough, but I get disappointed at how much filler and junk is up there at times. But then I feel blessed and bright just for being able to point that out to myself. Its not to be conceited or sound better than whoever, but Ive learned its harder than you think to see yourself, to watch and control your own actions, which is why Im EXTRA careful these days. Im not eighteen any more, and that means consequences follow up behind everything I do.

Chillin, listing to Prince. Thinking on finishing this song I started, thinking about skating and about this devil energy that keeps trying to steal my voice, heart, spirit soul and self worth away from me. Its evil. It slows you down to dumb, it doesn’t want you to be too smart because it knows thats the way up to God. The smarter you are, the more weapons you have against the devil. So he pulls you back by throwing you off, doing things you didn’t expect, finding things he knows you wont be ready for, stinging you, burning up your brain making it feel like its on fire. Stealing your spiriting away from you completely, or making it feel so low that you don’t want to do anything but curl up into a ball and lay there until the day is over. Devil makes you feel angry at everything, makes you feel like destroying everything, makes you feel like nothing is of value and that life is worthless, makes you want to die. The key, my friends, is friends. Ones that believe in what you believe in. Ones that have your back no matter what is going on in the world. Ones that love you so much, they always want to know if you’re okay. The key is family too, but family can be harsh. I think its because of the the worlds negative experiences. 

But still chilling waiting on my ride. Get this twenty and get on with Friday to pick up that forty two. I got a big surprise last Friday, like seventy four, an extra thirty. Got food, filled up the tank and got blazed. Cant say I did all that bad. A job is in DIRE need of still tho. My phone bill is due next week, but I think she gets paid next week so. And thats another thing

I pull my weight around here by keeping the house running (thats a skill dammit!) cutting her kids hair, cleaning up after myself (Which is supposed to be an automatic but in this generation.. pfft) put dough up when need be but honestly I feel defeated. Im used to having my own cash, my own dough, Im used to being Player One. But for some odd stinkin reason its IMPOSSIBLE for me to find a job. Or when an opportunity comes, its like all the craziest possible shit that can ruin that opportunity happens and well, I go into a slump of “Im tired of looking for work” or the famous “I didnt want to be a slave anyway” and then even “More time to to focus on getting UFO off the ground” knowing damn well it takes money to make money. Smh. But I work to build it up and well, Im about ready for another opportunity. So Im putting in apps, letting agencies know Im up and running again. Lets see what happens with that. 

Ride will be ready at two. Its One twenty nine now. Guess I’ll sneak in a game of 2K before I leave.

Ight folks, stay open but stay safe.

PEACE

1-1

Woke up and ran to the bathroom at least three times. Don’t know what I ate, whatever it was had me on marathon mode. Came back down stairs to wash dishes and wonder what I would make to eat. Not like there was much choice. Turkey sandwich cold with american cheese on wheat with tater tots and a side of Gilmore Girls. The episode where they threw a play about the last supper. Hilarious. But only as usual seeing as how I like the show. I saw five boxes of the seasons at a thrift store but didn’t get them. *smacks forehead*. That bled into Dawson’s Creek, which I turned into My Wife and Kids. Wondering what I Should do, my girlfriend came downstairs and complained she didn’t feel like doing anything. I said “Well don’t”. She said, in shrilly winey voice “But I have to”. So I said “Well what are you waiting on”. I proceeding to clap my hands like I was at a sporting event yelling “Get Up, lets Get em, Lets GO” Eventually she went up stairs get dressed got her kids and slummed out the door. 

Some kind of My Wife and Kids marathon, the episodes where they go to Hawaii. I thought “Hey, I should cut my hair”. And so I did. Not a bad job either. Take your time, Do it right. Her and her kids soon returned, banging on the door like they didn’t have keys. I yelled out the window, “USE THE KEY!” They yelled back, “We have BAGS in our HANDS!” So I yelled back, “PUT THEM DOWN! THEY WONT DISAPPEAR” Of course they said “We CANT!!” I go downstairs and open the door for them, then go back up and continue sharpening my barber skills. After cutting my hair, I cut both of their heads. One of their heads looks crispity sharp and clean, but the other one wouldn’t stop moving his watermelon dome around so he got a few patches. Hey, he’s gotta learn some way, right? I did what I could tho to make him look decent. 

After that she complained her foot hurt and that she’s going upstairs to relax. I sit thinking about finding work, playing Dead or Alive 4 and many other things that I shall blog on later. 

Well ight. Anything else super happen, Ill blog.

PEACE