A Day

Where is the missing frequency? Not where, but why does it miss me. Things feel rushed. Emotions are dull or burning. This isn't what I was working on. Hm. One of those days perhaps. Think think think. Why is the core of anything so hard to reach? And once reached why is it so hard to stay? Id like to live in the core. Learn the core. Thats what every things made of. Its hard to get in there. Its a rotten feeling this way.. I know things don't have to feel like this because Ive lived long enough and I have enough experience. The situation isn't pretty, but complaining one hundred percent of the way through isn't necessarily helping the situation. It boils down to how you deal with everything. And I mean everything.

I need friends. No, I need better friends. Ones who like to speak freely and openly. Friends who know the difference between life in a conformed box and life as it feels naturally. I need it because I feel alone and trapped. I feel like no one understands how this feeling feels. Everyone just goes on with the day instead of checking in with this feeling and seeing how it effects whats surrounding them. As long as the bills get paid they say. Not I.

I have a rare opportunity here. Not only have a gained employment (hip hip hoofrigginray) but I also have the eye of a person who see's the actions themselves, not what they are dressed up to be. Its whats been made of the situation. The care is being put on what things appear to look like, and thats whats taken at full value. Broaden the level of curiosity a bit.. As hard as that is today.. Because everything is either here, or there and no other way. But there are trillions of other ways.. "Here" and "There" are just the only two you've been given the option of selecting believing or accepting.

Im very thankful. Had the chance to see my family, both sides. Not all of either, my mom and dad come from opposite parts of the country. Most of my dads side came up from down south to my grandmas for Thanksgiving. Amazing family. Amazing food. Sensational children. Spent time with my mother before then. Her plate was delicious. Especially the mac n cheese. (I looooove mac n cheese). Seeing them helped me find more worth in existence big time. Feeling all that love under one roof from everyone. Remembering faces brought back foggy memories of being down south, riding bikes, scuffing up my shins on those high curbs.  Going to food fair, big grassy back yards and the weather being one hundred and ten degrees! Coming back tan like I had applied bronzing cream. I should've went to see my aunts and uncles on my moms side. I'll see them soon. I know they miss me. I miss them too.

I've been doing horrible with watching my diet even before Thanksgiving, thats probably why I feel like my bottom jaw is locked. So much sugar. Kool Aid, tea soda and other junk food has to be contributing to shortness of breath and the uncomfortable feeling in my mouth. Slacking hard on the workout too ack ack ack

Better days. Even better nights. Relationship with God maturing. Paying more attention. Letting more people in. Understanding life is a fluctuant current. And its not always a bloody massacre. Not always.

Okay. Fast food? Fast life.

PEACE