1-7

Im coming to a realization. Its pretty deep. 

Im living deep inside of a hole. Whats interesting is, I can peep out to interact with the world in small increments at a time. But it, seems as if everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY) is living out of the box, and Ive been the one stuck in the box this whole time. I was thinking it was the opposite; that I Was the one who had the right idea, that I was the one who was thinking too clever for anyone to understand. Turns out the more I pay attention, the more I feel like the fool because, well, everyone else is so much more successful in this life than me. Who am I to tell someone about them self, when they themselves have a foundation that surpasses mine on every level. 

I feel like Im living in a deep dark place that nobody (besides maybe mom) can care enough to pull me out of because it would take too much work. There’s a lot of gunk dust and layers of dark thickness to crack through in order to see some kind, hell any kind of light in my world.

No job. No money. Dead end relationship. Not to mention, day to day miseries of the world. Gun blast a kid got shot coming out of the store yesterday. Went to a concert (the hottest concert of the year might I add) and pretended to have a decent time but I felt pretty dead. Me and my girlfriend.. its over between us but we hold on, we have our reasons. And me I just pity myself way, WAY too much.

America doesn’t want to see you cry. Nor does America want to see you frown. America wants to see you put your problems behind you and find a reason to be happy. I can’t do that. In order for me to be happy, my life has to be in order. I have to have faith in my future. Things like a paycheck, sex and other things that make many people forget their problems, they don’t work for me like they do other people. Actually the effect is opposite of that; It makes things WORSE. I worry even more. I scold myself for spending so much money on such things that are impulse purchases. Reason being? Because I was bored. Or because I was upset but didn’t want to admit to it at that point in time.

Im going to go on a wild guess here and say, I’ve spent at least three thousand dollars with my dealer since meeting him. Thats a down payment on a car. Hell, that IS a car. Thats deposit for an apartment. Thats furniture. Thats a lot of things, other that what the money went to. I don’t really regret spending that much money on marijuana over the course of a year or so (especially since me and my dealer have somewhat of a relationship, so I know he’s just hustling to feed his family), but what I do wonder is what was I thinking week after week while I was purchasing the gram. I can’t wait to smoke? Man Im bored as fuck? Oh boy does this life suck? This will make it better? I mean what was my mind frame? It became a habit. It became as habitual as breathing. Hustling during the week, smoke out on the weekends. Most times it was one gram, other times it was two. Whats the point in this?

Ive lost control. Im spiraling downward in a life I wasn’t meant to live, in a life thats not meant for me. I wasn’t raised around weed and alcohol. It was never in our house, EVER. My mom, nor did my dad smoke or drink until way later on down the line until after I was grown. Thats when I experimented with pot; friends in the ghetto introduced me and well I thought it was pretty cool but it was just that, an experiment. Now, I almost feel like I need pot just to make life balance out. Like I need it to blow steam. To release tension and stress. Its like nothing else can do it. And Im not blaming my friends in the ghetto, nor am I blaming myself, but the habitual environment thats created in doing such. Without watching ones self, you can fly off into a world of things you won’t even know you did. You’ll wake up one morning and say “How in the hell did I get here?” “What was I thinking?”

Its rather dangerous. A lot of things I could not understand as a child, like why people did certain things, I can understand now. Outside forces (Even outside of pot alcohol and other drugs) can cause you to do things, act upon things you never thought you would do. Which is why, in my opinion its important to watch yourself at all times. There’s no safety net in this world where you can let lose and be worry free. There is always something around the corner, watching you waiting on you to slip so that you can fall into its trap. ALWAYS. So watch yourself people. Something else always is.

As far as me, theres some reconstructing that needs to be done. Some faith in God that must be renewed because me and God, when I was younger, we rocked hard together, through thick and thin. But I find myself hiding from God, trying to trick him into believing my lies because I am embarrassed at the things Ive put myself though. And all God does is leave me, waiting on my honest calling so that he can come back and help me throughout this life. I know I can get my God back, but it will hurt, and there’s no one else to turn to or blame that on but me. 

Alright. Youtube at 3:00am is probably not the healthiest of activities. 

PEACE