5-3

Brrr.

Young and reckless. Patiently waitin on you to test me.. lol.

Naw. Too much rap music. And too much snow.

Well, I went to trial. Both charges got knocked down. So if I do have to spend time in jail it wont be years. It would've been in the beginning. Next trial date is.. at the end of next month.

So what else is new. Nothing. Still at the Ex's which is getting more and more erie. Their house was already haunted to begin with. So imagine me coming back with nothing but jail warriors and shelter soldiers surrounding my aura. Can we say "whew!"

It still stinky down there. I still spray scented clorox every five minutes and light candles up whenever she brings them downstairs. The whole house stinks really. All the carpet and the walls innards need to be redone. Buuuuuut a home with heat is a home thats neat. AND its a full house not a duplex.

I wouldve loved to stay and work on their humble abode. I.. dont know whats going on. One minute shits cool the next shits whack. Relationships I have with people have changed. Things dont feel the same. Then I figured out some deep stuff. Ive been taking care of.. I want to say.. their family's ghost?

Its weird. Work dont work. Its not like I cant sell drugs. Its just not in my portfolio. But I seriously considered. Need BREAD!

At the end of the day, its like people have a hard time seeing this, and we all have always had a problem remembering. NOTHING WORKS WHEN YOUR BUTT IS HURT!

In lamens terms if your pockets aint right, shit wont fly. You can ball out for a day, a week, a month even years but you wont ball forever unless you are SELF SOLIDIFIED.

Nothing given to you last. You have to get your own.

So, I say this for the upteenth time. Need a job. Its not the road to success in America, a "job", but you most certainly have to be doing SOMETHING if you want ANYTHING. Filled out many of app, need new phone, waiting on government phone to ship out. Somethings better than nothing for right now.

So what. Listening to the Hawks Spurs game on Youtube. Blogging this. I got some coolers to drink with the Visa change left over from a job a had worked at the factory. Thats another thing too.. I need a Physician. Im scared because I havent had a full physical in AGES. I got checked for aids and hiv like last year, got told the lump on my stomach is a fat tumor, and as long as I cut down on the sweets the enamel around my teeth should grow around my gums and the cavities should close up.

Welp this was a pretty plain blog. Waiting on my ride back to the basement floor.

Brrr. Nobodys too cool for gloves.


PEACE

5-2

At the Ex's house.

Again. Yep. Because of my current homelessness I got suckered in. AGAIN. Well I cant say suckered. Feelings are there. I bonded with her kids. Her neighborhood. I cant say I am not a fool for ever agreeing to meet her. But, when none of your friends have a hand to lend and the shelters are constantly giving you a hard time, what else is there.

So its her dads basement. Which stinks. Literally. The plumbings all messed up so feces leaking onto the floor doesnt leave a pleasant odor. Poor me. At least my ass gets to sleep on soft blankets. Thats the least of my worries. When and bought mass Clorox and Febreeze products

I need a job. Problem is, I need a job that understands. I have issues and an open case to tend to. Many companies down want to deal with that, which is understandable. But I need money. Car, apartment etc. I need a start, dammit

What have I been doing. Looking forward to agencies. They dont know me, dont want to get close to me, Im just a body to these people. Just what I need. I have been selling possessions, as of late, to make ends meet. Video games, tablets, you name it. Its outta here. I still have the switch (which does have scratches on the screen) and I itch. I need the dough. Bus passes, deodorant, toothpaste etc.

I am afraid. These kinds of situations never work. She always has to win an argument and I wasnt designed to ever lose one. This is a recipe for disaster.

I have another trial tomorrow which I was told to just show up for and not.. say.. anything. After requesting a public defender (cant afford lawyer) I dropped the details and was told to sit tight and get ready for a ride. A ride to freedom? Yes? Salvation? Not that ride up nawf I hope!

Still temp jobs and odd jobs here and there. I can shower whenever her father leaves for dialysis, which is normally about three times a week. Good. I can prepare meals, which is suuuuuuuper good. No offense to the churches and shelters, but there is nothing.. and I mean NOTHING on having the ability to cook your own meal.

Then there is me and her. Neither of us know where we stand. We are both confused. And we both really dont have room to debate or create any kind of deeply involved relationship as it is. Im broke, shes broke, shes on food stamps, so am I, I mean really. My mind is still warped from being locked up and homeless. I cant think properly about a realtionship with another person WHO HAS KIDS. BIG KIDS. You know. 13 and 15 big. Thats the worst age of all time to be trying to raise somebody. Im OLD. 33.

At the end of the day I wish I knew what I was doing. I dont want to work some dead end job wasting years of my life promising myself "Yeah man, you'll save up" and "Dont worry man. Youll have a stack saved within a few years". Thats not the future I painted for myself. I still would like to run a business. Problem is, here lately, the type of business I need to be running keeps on changing like the lights on a traffic lamp.

Well. Time is running out. I need to make some major decisions before this year is out. About which business I can run, this mess of a relationship, about myself. I wish for a good gulp of fresh air. Maybe I should start reading the bible again

Alright well thats it. Till next time.

5-1

Well.

I do orientation at three thirty tomorrow. Am I excited? I was up until now. Smh

I tried my friends program out. I was okay with it. It comes with just about everything you need to get your life together in a short period of time. I need somewhere I can get it together for long term. Save some money and get my own place. His thing is better for the weekends. Show up, make some food, blow off some steam. Game a little and get some rest. Its cool. I'd like to assist with his program once Im on my feet. It can help people who seriously need it. The shelter can be a bad place. You have to have a certain mentality to deal with a place like the homeless shelter. You can be turned into a ghost or a mule if you dont pay attention. Thats where a program like dudes program would benefit. Its a breather, but its not an alternative to a full blow housing program.

Back on the street, I hiked it from where I was over to the plasma place where I used to donate. They dont accept people who carry bags with them anymore. Also you need a piece of mail with your name on it, even if you have a drivers license and social security card with you. So that plan folded quickly.

Walking down the street, I stopped at the store and had the most hilarious conversation with the clerk at the store. I got some snacks (light snacks this time) and bounced out.

Eating my snacks walking across a bridge I notice an entire team of construction w orkers. I immediately missed my job I had in construction. Used to let off so much aggression using huge drills and big pieces of equipment.

The rest of my walk landed me here. What now? I glanced at the Clippers Lakers game on Youtube and thats really it.

Strangely enough, I check my email for job updates seeing as how I dont have a phone. In doing so, I see an email notification from guess who.

Long story short, I dont know if I am going to go through with this. I am afraid at what is going on. Im.. blank. At least on that subject. More focused on my attempt at working and staying out of trouble with court. 

Till then. Stay ahead. Better than being behind.

4-9

Trial.

Trial was trial, with a twist. Surprisingly the judge was in show off mode, due to out of country judges and visitors joining us for procedures.

I thought this was going to be the final trial, thought I might be going to jail, getting put on probation, something, but turns out again what I think is not what always happens.

So there will be yet another trial next month. I will have time to talk with a public defender about my plea, again, and the charges, again. Cant wait. (blows own head off)

So my ex read the letters I dropped off at her place. And believe it or not, she replied! She send me an email in response to what I wrote to her. Basically explaining my apologies, how I knew I was wrong, and how I knew I missed her and wanted to come home. Her response was.. Nope.

Nope? Yep. Nope. Simple and plain. We went back and forth for a few emails overnight up until the morning, but the response and reply was pretty much the same. Let me back home. Nope. Ive righted my wrongs etc etc etc. Still Nope.

I need to figure out how I am going to get somethings from her place. Such as trimmers chargers my PHONE you know. I need a police escort but I have no phone to contact them with right now. Blah

Just typing this up I can feel her haunting me. Squeezing my throat. Making me nauseous. Causing everyone around me in the library to lose air. Everywhere I go. You know, before all this happened, I used to wonder what was wrong. Now I definitely know. Something is wrong with her entire family. I did everything I could. Baby sat. Did home repairs. Forfeited jobs. Even put my own family on the back burner for years! I really cared for her. I even started seeing past the gifts she was quick to give. I even saw past the characters and evil that different people would force her to become. I still accepted it. But who's fault is that? Haha

Well anyway. I've been through even worse breakups than this. And I normally keep up with the ones who didnt work out. At the end of the day, life goes on no matter the situation right? Right. But this one is different. This one left me out on my ass with nothing. This one used the trust that my family instilled in her to tell them I had become someone Im not. This one is watching me fall at my hardest and laughing. I dont know if I can be cool with somebody like that later on down the line. How can I trust or be cool with somebody like that?

Had a bad episode at the shelter. The dorm coordinator discharged  me from their passages program for missing an interview with one of the program leaders. I explained to him that I had a job interview late that morning, and I thought thats what he meant when he inquired. Long story short my bed is gone and Im back to lugging these overpacked bags everywhere I go. Good news is, an old high school associate I ran into might have a room for me until I can get on my feet, get a car clothes etc. That would definitely work. Im not picky I just need a place to groom eat and sleep. 

Work just emailed me. Im waiting on them to finalize my application. The last part has been sent. Whew!

I might have to donate plasma for bus pass money since there is no way I am walking to South Park Mall. Just hiking it there takes the same amount of time as a work shift. (I Googled it).

Welp. Youtube a little more then figure out this plasma process all over again. Its been a few years.

Till then. Eat only what you are. Dont let what you eat become you

PEEEEEEACE

4-8

Interviews.

Had one last week. Had a fresh one this morning. Another gig for cleaning buildings. Case Western, various facilities and such. Not so hot since I wasn't feeling like myself on waking up this morning. Picked it up in the middle of the interview which granted me to fill out a physical app. No phone is a bummer since email is almost exactly ancient technology as far as contacting someone. Speaking of that I got offered a phone interview with yet another company earlier this afternoon. I opted to call them at their discretion. Pfft

Anyway my final trail is tomorrow. Will I be going to jail? Performing community service? Put on house arrest? Or put BACK on probation. Pfft

Im just so sick of the system that its beginning to be comical. I dont feel like going in on that. So there

What I do feel like talking about though is those letters I wrote to my ex. It was the stupidest, silliest, most safest and most realistic move I could have made since I've been gone.

The letters (which are high school style hand written) arent anything ridiculous or too out of the ordinary. Just the average "I want to come home" "Lets start things over" "Dont throw away years of blah blah blah" which I did mean every word. Its just, I feel like I've been through this so many times Im beginning to feel numb to the pain of how it goes. In this case, I dont have family to really fall back on, so its almost a must that I get my ass back up in that place whether or not we become sweeties doing tweeties or just good buds.

But no I read old emails from the beginning of the relationship, felt the feels a little bit, we were almost totally different people then, young and innocent, no system there to boss us around no outside influences to make anything strange no rumor mill nothing like that. How lucky could two people be. Things happen, and I looked at her page today and saw a "New Boo Needed" post on her timeline. My timing couldn't have been better?

Went for a walk yesterday in what was some of the best weather I have ever had the pleasure to breathe in. The air wasn't thick, the breeze wasn't cold, the sun wasn't piping hot. Literally perfect, like L.A. came to visit. I went to the store got some trail mix and hot bags of snacks and tracked it over to a sitting of benches where I read an X-Men Gold comic. It was good.

The day before that, which was also perfect weather, strangely too perfect, I sat at the lake and just let my mind be taken by the waves. I regret not playing Spades at the shelter when I got offered. I dont know I just havent been feeling like my good old self for these past at least four days. I eat, sleep, use the restroom nothing snaps me back into play. Strange very strange.

I think thats it for now. Im thinking about some Switch, wish I had my power pack and also thinking about work. I have a few phone calls to make tomorrow to see where I stand on a few jobs. Until then Ill just continue to read and play on the iPad mini. Need headphones for iPod.

Till then. Dont think you know. Know you know.

PEACE

4-7

Yep.

Well I made it to my interview yesterday. Late. But made it. Thinking one bus meant it would be easy to make it way out to where I was going meant I was thinking wrong. 

Went pretty swell and quick. The hiring chick was kinda sexy. I made advances (because I havent gotten any in what seems ions) but I dont think she noticed. Ah well. Woes of nerdom. 

I left and spent a dumb amount on stamps at 7/11. After smashing my snack load I wait for the bus to come on back around and pick me up. I wait.. and wait... aaaaaaand wait... 

It gets colder.. and colder... now Im frosty.. 

I forget just how far away from the inner city I am. I start to realize.. Its a blessing for public trans to really even come out this far. 

I give up and stick a fork in myself. (no homo) I start to walk. 

About ten to fifteen minutes into constant motion I notice a bus going the opposite direction. YES! This means it must come on round after stopping its last stop and starting his route headed back.

Again. Im learning. What I think I know, is WRONG. 

I waited.. aaaaaaaand waited. No bus came round. But another bus, coming from the opposite direction again, is coming from down the street. This time I run for it. 

I waved the bus down. The old lady let me on luckily. I ask her, "whats up with the buses? do they not turn around?" she simply says "nope". Amazing. 

Riding the bus back the shelter downtown was cold and lonely. I thought more about my ex girlfriend and what she could be doing then probably more than ever. I still havent dropped those letters into the mail slot at her dads. Should I? Would I be embarrassed? I like talking to her more in person these days anyway. 

I have a plan. After my final trail I am going to find her and speak to her. Even if we do not see eye to eye as far as restarting whatever we had going on or pressing reset on the whole thing I just want there to be peace in whatever there to come. I just want the hurt to end

Welp I think thats it. I just ran into someone here at the library so I guess Ill chat for a twinge.

Keep up. Before the keep you. 

PEACE

4-6

Well well.

I have a permanent bed until my final trial, which is early next week. Is is scary? Yes. Considering this IS a misdemeanor offense and my name is usually as squeaky clean as a cat out of a bath. Which is actually.. wait a minute..

Anyway how else have things been. Well I almost got into ANOTHER fight at the shelter this morning because dude claimed I was standing "too close" to him. Mind you I was definitely over four to five feet away from the guy considering there was no one behind me seeing as how I was late for breakfast today. So he basically gets an attitude with me saying "You standin' too close". I looked in the back of me to see who he was talking to. Maybe he was directing his morning frustration towards someone else. The line moves forward. He says it again. "You too close dude I done told you. Stand back". I politely tell the guy, "Im not close to you at all. Im at least three feet away. Be calm". I continues. I snap when he calls me a Nerd. Now, Im belligerent, telling him to meet me outside. Im pulled out of the line and somehow I end up back where my bed is with a box of Oreo's breakfast cereal. STRRAAANGE (cameo voice)

Other than that the usual meetings, over snacking and checkups with staff at the shelter. That place is more like a ministry. There's bible study, bible classes (two different things entirely) and everything is slowly becoming more biblical than anything else. I left my bible book on my bed (which wasn't mine, its public) and of course it ended up gone. I simply went to the book study room and grabbed another, smaller one. They had plenty. Not like I cant just download the Holy Bible app to the iPad mini anyway. Speaking of that

Shoot. I left my iPad mini out. Hoping no one notices seeing as how its not really out in plain sight. Sighs. Ima finish this blog and run back to the shelter.

Anywho, a job interview today at the mall. I think its to be a cleaner? Janitor? Im not sure. All I know is it pays 10 to 12 an hour, which is right around what I need for now. I let the GM know Im open for all hours, even weekends (which is gonna hurt. my beloved Saturdays) but I am at the bottom which warrants emergency mode. Started from the bottom now we here. Right? Right.

Blah Blah Blah. I guess Ill try to find out the scores from yesterdays NFL game that was on last night. Thanks to the shelter never changing the channel, I got hooked on Chicago PD. Why didnt anyone tell me Brooke from One Tree Hill plays a main role? Probably because I dont have anyone anyone to tell me aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa

Well Im scared my stuff will be stolen. Im gone

Be blessed

4-5

So my phone, bible and book have been stolen.

Not to mention got into it with some dude for stealing my seat at breakfast. For some reason though, Im cool about it. The phone stung the worst for about twenty minutes, but after that my day continued.

Walked over to the office for another copy of my intake form. Its tough getting into the shelter for longer term because the weather is changing and more and more people need long term beds. Im down and out about it because I need a place to put these overloaded backpacks so that I can better search for a job. Im serious about it because I see people get trapped up in the shelter life all the time. Speaking of "time" my time spent in county jail was just enough. That taught me everything I need to know about staying the fack out of there. Survival at its fittest.

So far I've filled out about five or six online applications. Im trying not to over do it and lose track of what I am filling out for. Im shooting for the companies I know I can handle working for, also the companies who will hire me with my current record. Also, being aware of whats close on the bus route. I've always made the mistake of filling out one thousand apps then getting calls back from jobs in Dallas, Tokyo etc

So what else is new. I worked the Seahawks game last Sunday. I dont know why I expected anything more than what I got paid the next day, but it was just enough for some bus passes and a few pocket bucks. The job was awful, but the people were pretty dope. All and all, its labor, so dont show up in fresh Reeboks and a Kent sweater like I did. Pfft

So whats new. Job searching like crazy. Unlocking more potential. Seeing what else new happens. Im making it a habit of not knowing what will happen next. I used to dock every second of each day. Here its just, let be what will. Which is SUPER dangerous in my world because things can be limitless. The vlogs probably wont be back for a while. Blogs are good enough. Besides I probably wont have the content for all that anyway. Besides the usual.

Am I still thinking about being back at my ex's? Of course. As bad as I used to hate living there it still beats being out here on the streets by a landslide. Maybe once I get on my feet with working and becoming a little more social Ill give her a ring. Whats crazy though is the phone that got stolen I actually found in a public restroom.. and I have to have protection with me in order to retrieve anything from their place. A part of me wants to just go over there and break down begging to come back, but another side of me never wants to see them or their place again.

Welp, thats it I guess. What does today bring? As stated, job searching. Not only online, but looking for different places the old school way. You know. Walking in? Asking for an app? Hahahahahhaaaa


Be cool. Its definitely cool enough outside

4-4

Da da duuuun

Homeless Man is here.

Welp. Another blog seeing as how there is nothing else to do. I have maybe just over a half hour at the library here so Ill use it for some Google News, Outlook (job replies) and of course (drum roll) Blogger.

Oh now all of a sudden me and Blogger are best friends. No, its just that.. well yes. Okay. Ill take the hit. Ive been neglecting Blogger for the simple fact of Ive been cram packed with things to do up until now. Obviously with nowhere to really go what else is there to do.

Today was actually pretty lazy to be a homeless dude. I overslept, over ate, and read a bit. I volunteered for just about every position they had to try and make a name for myself. The ghost of my ex is haunting me, making my life a living hell and its becoming normal. Which definitely has to stop soon. I dated another woman like this a while back and the haunting didnt stop until about a year later. Crazy witches.

Anyway, after folding sheets and mopping floors let alone cleaning bucket closets I then decided to sleep. I laid down around 10:00am and awoke to the small hand on 1:00pm and a lunch line around the corner.

Lunch was.. exceptional. Some kind of baked or grilled fish with veggies stuffed in between, Carrots cucumber and some bell pepper. Served fresh from a hot foil pack. On the side some of the best mashed potatoes to be served from a public place by some of the nicest old ladies to serve food. On the side was doughnuts and some kind of cheese chips. They keep us pretty full at the shelter.

On the outside, walking past County Jail, I line backed over to W.9th thinking the employment group would be open. Unfortunately what I think doesn't matter. Because it was closed.

So Im here. What awaits? Today is Saturday, so some PSP would be acceptable. To bad its broken and thrown out. Some Switch? No power plug. Some girls? Hahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

So yeah whats in store for next week. Job. Need job. Also need haircut. Will be calling cop for item assistance since the last time I showed up at her house, she showed out. What is it with people with minuscule power who cant control how to flaunt it. *shrugs* I just wanted a few things. The long way it is.

Whats on my mind right now? The couple flows I wrote on East Dock at the shelter.. I been craving money more than ever.. and how work would go. I also have been wondering.. my thoughts have been out of control lately.. I cant seem to hold anything down. My bowels are different too. (I know. Nasty.) The shower I took earlier was scary seeing as how there was nothing but a curtain between a naked me and three other guys in the front area of the restroom. SCAAAARRRYYYY

Anyway thats it. Library guy was nice enough to deal with my full on ignorance and help me digitally scan my state drivers id over to my email to send to a job reply. Wait.. isnt that my job?

I still think about the girl that I got into the situation with. I dont know even know what happened anymore. Its all a blur. What I do know is that I miss her. Its starting to get creepy because I am more than ready to start my life solo, learning myself as a man and getting back to my own family. But the more time I spend out here.. the more I remember her and Im starting to see how as of the simple things she did really meant something. I took advantage of those things at the time because I was warm, fed and surrounded by books games and movies. I'll talk to her one day.

Alright well peace out. Watch the weather.

4-3

Jesus Christ.

Im a dead man.

Well, I spent just shy of a complete month in County Jail. I am now on the street with no place to go. What have I been doing? Staying at a shelter. I am aiming to start a program there where I can shelf my things while I work and journey.

The biggest problem with this is not really the street part. The problem is people automatically judging and assuming who you are based off whatever they think is important. I always said, if you dont know how to speak up, dont speak at all. This is tough though. We all have problems and other things we struggle with. But please. Before you point the finger or assume you know me based off the shoes I wear or the situation Im in, do us all a favor. Grow up.

What do I plan to do? Its tough. Why? Well because. Life where I was and life out here is NO WHERE NEAR the same. After coming from her fathers place, then jail, now on the streets this city feels like a foreign country. People communicate different. The big shots arent really the big shots anymore. And the females are.. I dont know. DIFFERENT. I feel like an alien. Sometimes unwanted. So my plan is to start off slow. As stated, find somewhere to place my bags and personal things for a while and start to grind out. So far I've only placed an app at a few staffing agencies. After that though.. Im lost. and thats where I am starting to get scared.

After work, then what? What do I do? Its eerie. I've burnt bridges with my family, although I feel like deep down I could call my mother. But I've been through that phase so many times and I feel like no matter how hard things get I have to figure it out on my own. This would be attempt three with her. My father I refuse to call. The last time I stayed with him he juiced me for everything I had. So forget it. Then there's friends who arent really friends anymore. Two good friends of mine who were working made in invite to stay with them in 2016. I took the invite, got a job but nothing about my ethic changed. So it didn't work. Again. Im afriad because Im 33 years of age and running out of sufficient ways to take care of myself.

And what makes matters worse is the relationship that I've left. My brain is literally programmed to be in her fathers house no matter where I am or what I am doing. Not to mention I put in tons of work helping with that whole situation, so its going to take time deleting everything that happened with them. Im human at the end of the day, so thoughts about a hot shower anytime I want, kosher meal and video games sting sometimes because I was really living it up. But, life goes on.

The library here is still nice. Tech Central downtown. The weather is exceptional. To me, meaning warm and cool at the same time. These bags I packed are stupid heavy. Lugging them around is giving me the strength of a line backer. Not to mention the push ups and sit ups I try and remember to do daily.

Life at the shelter is not bad. They feed you, give you a place to wash up use the restroom and even a big TV for sports games. Loads of books, a room for church and a PC laboratory. Speaking of church

I am reading the Bible for the first time in my life. If it isnt the most tedious, but somehow liberating literature I've read ever I dont know how else to describe it. Two years ago I tried reading it. After the first 8 verses my brain turned into a scrambled avocado and I quit. This time, I refuse to stop. Even if I dont understand everything Im going to at least finish Genesis and review everything I dont get. Then move on from there. But for now? Jeez Louise!!! Im at the part where the Lord has destroyed two towns with fire and brimstone. Right.

Other than that, I started this other book called Fire Dreams. First chapter super colorful and dope. Looking forward to finishing that. Lets see.. uh.. I HAD a modded PSP 3001 which decided to crack in my backpack. Not too excited. Everything else like the iPad mini Switch camera etc are still okay after being lugged around at the police station and outdoors for the last month or so. Forgot power plug for Switch though.

Man, so Ill end it here. Im feeling pretty nervous and angry because as I said, I feel lost. People are becoming more and more belligerent? Rude? Maybe I have a "softie" sign on my back or hanging over my head. What I do know is this. The longer Im away from my ex, the more I start thinking about going back to her place and starting things over. Its not that I was a bad partner, I simply made a mistake. Which can happen to anyone. I wrote a few letters (year 1800 style) and I havent decided on whether or not Im dropping them off to her. And its not just because Im assed out (which does play a BIIIIIIIIIIIIG part) but mainly because when there is nothing else to do you tend to think about how situations played out. And what happened definitely should not have happened.

So stay tuned.

4-2

Well well...

Its been quite a while since blogging here on Blogger. Vlogs are my latest shindig, as I have many posted online via YouTube. I like being personal and up close. Seeing how I look facially with what I say etc etc. Its a little bit more exciting than reading words.

But then. Theres also something about a good wordy blog. Especially from someone like myself, with the things I go through everyday.

So whats it like three years later? Welp its been back at my ex girlfriends house, which is technically her dads. And when I tell you.. in the beginning things were okay. When I came there I was jobless, hopeless and pretty much dickless. I sad little muddle of a man. No dreams no goals no aspirations. I felt death towards everything and everyone. I wanted to do nothing with anyone. Not go outside. Not check the mail. Not even take out the trash. I hated being out there. I had given up period. But whats odd is, that was 2013. Six years ago. Fast foward to 2019 and I most certainly have goals, my dreams come and go, but most importantly the sad little muddle is almost gone. Not saying Im standing tall. Just saying I know now something must be done.


How did I come to this conclusion? Whew. Alll kinds of things had to happen. Jail one of the biggest. The system for a lack of better words. Being in a hellish relationship that pretty much wants to be built around "The system" but isnt ready! Family disappearing anf reappearing. Seeing old friends from 2006-2008 and them saying "Whoa man. You dont look the same. Are you okay?" And just hundreds of personal formulas in my own mind equating out to the obvious. Whats the obvious? I wasnt meant to be a couch potato. Okay. Im good at being a couch potato. But thats definitely not what was meant to be my first and only full time job.

Another thing HUGELY noticeable. Nothings funny! Not one laugh. Not even a smiggle. I get it. You grow up and everything isnt funny anymore. Theres bills, cars, houses busniess families and a plethora of other things that make life spin that arent funny. I get it. Its serious. You mess up its over. But duuuude... you have got to lighten up sometime. Being serious 24/7 will shrivel what little personality you have left. Then you become bitter. Mean mugging people. Angry. Nothings good enough. I feel bad for people dont laugh. ESPECIALLY living here in the United States. What planet are you from? There shit everywhere to laugh at. Wether you wrong for laughing or not. Still. Its like medicine. Without laughter, you become sick. And someone as silly as me? Man I became deathly ill. This came to me in the weirdest place of all time. You'd never believe where.

Jail.

County jail. Not a holding cell. Not a locked room. I mean the real deal. The shit you see on Scared Straight etc etc every other jail show. I happen when I had seen these guys, they wernt fairy type at all, but they could laugh. Full orange jumpsuits and all. They joked. They made fun of shit. Laughed at petty staff and etc etc. It was then I saw myself in the mirror and said "What the fuck happened to you?"

I let life crush every piece of hope, soul, spirit I had. It had defeated me. Then I found the bigger problem. Because I was bringing myself out of those dark murky depression phases. It was the atmosphere. I had noticed. There's no laughter there. No good spirit, which is hard to believe because children live there. Again. Im not blaming anyone for my mistakes or problems, but normally, when you clean spilled milk it stays off the floor. You dont clean the spill to turn around and find it right where you just put in work getting it up.

I went around some counselors and emotional professionals. They simply put it this way, "They are an unhappy people." It was as simple as that. I wouldn't believe it. Then life itself starting showing me the obvious comparisons. And well.. they were right. The people I was (and still currently am) living with are.. miserable. And they prefer to keep it that way. Its a serious way of life because, if someone had a good day at work or school, or came up on something good, any kind of good spirit you have to hide it. You cant share it with them. They will become jealous. Not only that, they will summon a damper which sticks to you and drags you entire day down.

Now. Think of me. George Fortune. Gee. Napalm. If you think back, I was usually the most optimistic out of my group of friends. Finding the positive in any situation etc etc.

Now imagine me since 2013 going through job after job. Network after network. Relationships with people failing and Im just wondering. What the fuck is going on? Now fast foward to 2019 after being educated. Imagine my anger knowing that the very people I was living with were the problem.

What am I doing to fix this? I cant help them living with them. IF.. and thats a big if.. IF they can be help I'd have to on my own feet.. making my own money.. driving my own car.. building my own networks working a job that works for me. I have to be the example. I cant be a crackhead at the AA meeting telling other people to quit smoking. If you get what Im trying to say. So no, Im not running out on the people who took me in. Im just ready to grow up.. at least a little bit. Im 33 for christ sakes. Hold a job. Stack some cheese. Get a congratulations from someone other than the obvious.

Thats only one big part. The rest.. relationships, friends, finances, music, gaming Im sure will all come together once Im free. Once again.. Cant wear all white shoes going to a muddy place. Cant leave bananas on the fridge all week. Cant let the grass get too tall Im sure you get where Im going

Anyways. I know this vlog was really unimportant. Personal loads did come off my back doing this and odd my chest, so I wont say time was wasted. Ill just.. get some super interesting topics mapped out and make up for it. One day. Not today

Stay cool. Dont forget to use your blinker on the road.