5-2

At the Ex's house.

Again. Yep. Because of my current homelessness I got suckered in. AGAIN. Well I cant say suckered. Feelings are there. I bonded with her kids. Her neighborhood. I cant say I am not a fool for ever agreeing to meet her. But, when none of your friends have a hand to lend and the shelters are constantly giving you a hard time, what else is there.

So its her dads basement. Which stinks. Literally. The plumbings all messed up so feces leaking onto the floor doesnt leave a pleasant odor. Poor me. At least my ass gets to sleep on soft blankets. Thats the least of my worries. When and bought mass Clorox and Febreeze products

I need a job. Problem is, I need a job that understands. I have issues and an open case to tend to. Many companies down want to deal with that, which is understandable. But I need money. Car, apartment etc. I need a start, dammit

What have I been doing. Looking forward to agencies. They dont know me, dont want to get close to me, Im just a body to these people. Just what I need. I have been selling possessions, as of late, to make ends meet. Video games, tablets, you name it. Its outta here. I still have the switch (which does have scratches on the screen) and I itch. I need the dough. Bus passes, deodorant, toothpaste etc.

I am afraid. These kinds of situations never work. She always has to win an argument and I wasnt designed to ever lose one. This is a recipe for disaster.

I have another trial tomorrow which I was told to just show up for and not.. say.. anything. After requesting a public defender (cant afford lawyer) I dropped the details and was told to sit tight and get ready for a ride. A ride to freedom? Yes? Salvation? Not that ride up nawf I hope!

Still temp jobs and odd jobs here and there. I can shower whenever her father leaves for dialysis, which is normally about three times a week. Good. I can prepare meals, which is suuuuuuuper good. No offense to the churches and shelters, but there is nothing.. and I mean NOTHING on having the ability to cook your own meal.

Then there is me and her. Neither of us know where we stand. We are both confused. And we both really dont have room to debate or create any kind of deeply involved relationship as it is. Im broke, shes broke, shes on food stamps, so am I, I mean really. My mind is still warped from being locked up and homeless. I cant think properly about a realtionship with another person WHO HAS KIDS. BIG KIDS. You know. 13 and 15 big. Thats the worst age of all time to be trying to raise somebody. Im OLD. 33.

At the end of the day I wish I knew what I was doing. I dont want to work some dead end job wasting years of my life promising myself "Yeah man, you'll save up" and "Dont worry man. Youll have a stack saved within a few years". Thats not the future I painted for myself. I still would like to run a business. Problem is, here lately, the type of business I need to be running keeps on changing like the lights on a traffic lamp.

Well. Time is running out. I need to make some major decisions before this year is out. About which business I can run, this mess of a relationship, about myself. I wish for a good gulp of fresh air. Maybe I should start reading the bible again

Alright well thats it. Till next time.