4-3

Jesus Christ.

Im a dead man.

Well, I spent just shy of a complete month in County Jail. I am now on the street with no place to go. What have I been doing? Staying at a shelter. I am aiming to start a program there where I can shelf my things while I work and journey.

The biggest problem with this is not really the street part. The problem is people automatically judging and assuming who you are based off whatever they think is important. I always said, if you dont know how to speak up, dont speak at all. This is tough though. We all have problems and other things we struggle with. But please. Before you point the finger or assume you know me based off the shoes I wear or the situation Im in, do us all a favor. Grow up.

What do I plan to do? Its tough. Why? Well because. Life where I was and life out here is NO WHERE NEAR the same. After coming from her fathers place, then jail, now on the streets this city feels like a foreign country. People communicate different. The big shots arent really the big shots anymore. And the females are.. I dont know. DIFFERENT. I feel like an alien. Sometimes unwanted. So my plan is to start off slow. As stated, find somewhere to place my bags and personal things for a while and start to grind out. So far I've only placed an app at a few staffing agencies. After that though.. Im lost. and thats where I am starting to get scared.

After work, then what? What do I do? Its eerie. I've burnt bridges with my family, although I feel like deep down I could call my mother. But I've been through that phase so many times and I feel like no matter how hard things get I have to figure it out on my own. This would be attempt three with her. My father I refuse to call. The last time I stayed with him he juiced me for everything I had. So forget it. Then there's friends who arent really friends anymore. Two good friends of mine who were working made in invite to stay with them in 2016. I took the invite, got a job but nothing about my ethic changed. So it didn't work. Again. Im afriad because Im 33 years of age and running out of sufficient ways to take care of myself.

And what makes matters worse is the relationship that I've left. My brain is literally programmed to be in her fathers house no matter where I am or what I am doing. Not to mention I put in tons of work helping with that whole situation, so its going to take time deleting everything that happened with them. Im human at the end of the day, so thoughts about a hot shower anytime I want, kosher meal and video games sting sometimes because I was really living it up. But, life goes on.

The library here is still nice. Tech Central downtown. The weather is exceptional. To me, meaning warm and cool at the same time. These bags I packed are stupid heavy. Lugging them around is giving me the strength of a line backer. Not to mention the push ups and sit ups I try and remember to do daily.

Life at the shelter is not bad. They feed you, give you a place to wash up use the restroom and even a big TV for sports games. Loads of books, a room for church and a PC laboratory. Speaking of church

I am reading the Bible for the first time in my life. If it isnt the most tedious, but somehow liberating literature I've read ever I dont know how else to describe it. Two years ago I tried reading it. After the first 8 verses my brain turned into a scrambled avocado and I quit. This time, I refuse to stop. Even if I dont understand everything Im going to at least finish Genesis and review everything I dont get. Then move on from there. But for now? Jeez Louise!!! Im at the part where the Lord has destroyed two towns with fire and brimstone. Right.

Other than that, I started this other book called Fire Dreams. First chapter super colorful and dope. Looking forward to finishing that. Lets see.. uh.. I HAD a modded PSP 3001 which decided to crack in my backpack. Not too excited. Everything else like the iPad mini Switch camera etc are still okay after being lugged around at the police station and outdoors for the last month or so. Forgot power plug for Switch though.

Man, so Ill end it here. Im feeling pretty nervous and angry because as I said, I feel lost. People are becoming more and more belligerent? Rude? Maybe I have a "softie" sign on my back or hanging over my head. What I do know is this. The longer Im away from my ex, the more I start thinking about going back to her place and starting things over. Its not that I was a bad partner, I simply made a mistake. Which can happen to anyone. I wrote a few letters (year 1800 style) and I havent decided on whether or not Im dropping them off to her. And its not just because Im assed out (which does play a BIIIIIIIIIIIIG part) but mainly because when there is nothing else to do you tend to think about how situations played out. And what happened definitely should not have happened.

So stay tuned.