1-9

Refreshed my LGC enrollment, but got sicker than a dog over the weekend. Well, not THAT bad but shit. Sneezing coughing snot mucus throat hurt headaches all kind of shit. I sit now though feeling okay. Bumping that old school, getting ready to head out into the city. 

Many, many things have been running through my head as of recent, but if you know me there’s an order to the chaos that courses throughout these veins. Meaning, let me get my head together.. my Ma.. Dad.. This house that I LIVE IN.. woo wee.. I gotta go folks. Friends.. so called people who care.. fiending for a job that will put enough in my account for an apartment after a month or two. 

What have I done. As of lately, nothing outside of the norm. And thats a problem. Besides having a star stricken conversation with my mother, everything else just bleeds in as normal. The chain must be broken. Thats why I feel trapped like this. Its too normal. Im not normal. Im out. I need out! I need dough to be out. No I don’t. I still think about women and money being the two most important things, but even outside of that there’s like this big missing piece of.. something. Women and Money? What the hell where are you priorities. I just know this isn’t how I want it be forever. What makes me get up and want to take risk? Nothing. Where’s my passion? My fire? To create wild things? Im almost done with hip hop/rap. At least the basic parts. I Want to expand now.. no more witty punchlines.. Im leaving the surface with the next project. Wont be easy with sooooooooo much pulling me down!

Construction truck pulling up outside the house cleaning up the remains of a septic tank job they’d done a few weeks ago. She’s on Fire! Amy Holland blaring my ears. Pre heating the oven for a quick sandwich and fries (shit I shouldn’t be eating this early in the morning) and I guess an episode of Heroes and I’ll be off. 

Dunno. Not many other things bothering me right now, besides the ache to make life better. Just the basics of communication need to bump up.. Its all I have.. It needs to be clear and consistent.. Not just the bare minimum. I feel it getting better though.. I have a feeling that once my surroundings change thought I’ll be straight. Gotta look out for me right?

Welp. Don’t watch too much TV. 

PEACE

1-8

Man weirdness. Right temple throbbing, no motivation to go to open interviews at LGC today but they’re doing it tomorrow too, so headed there tomorrow. Not sure if I need copies of my resume or not, but stopping by the library and printing a few out shouldn’t be too hard. Right?

Man, the stress level is through the roof! Feels like Im being packed inside of a small box.. like my brain is being boxed in physically.. Ive been eating so many GMO’s sugars and other unhealthy shit though Im kinda surprised I haven’t passed out on the floor. I’ve been getting my breathing back together though.. like the flow of breath through these soot covered, fat incased lungs. They need air.. They need to breathe. My whole body needs to breathe.. Weirdness. So Ali popped back up. (Hey Ali!) An old friend who went to my old school. The best part is, she’s coming up to visit next week and wants to kick it. Hell yeah! Let me scrape up a few coins.. Coventry and movies.. Fuck yes.. maybe thats that breath I was hoping for. This city can be so seedy. Anywho tho, The focus has been video games and mild reading. Black poetry and Malcolm X. Where he was born, how he moved around and eventually became a big name in the black community. Not finished yet, but so far the muslim organization he was apart of had to let him go. 

Getting kind of deep into that Grand Theft Auto V. Its a pretty good game, more like a LOOOOOONG ass interactive movie, where you play the role of three main characters who you can switch from at anytime. Pretty impressive, but like anything else, too much of it and you’re bored outcherr ass. That damn 2K13.. Fucking HATE the controls.. I can’t buy a bucket.. Cant make a layup.. Cant pass into the paint without putting the ball right at the opposing teams feet.. OH and the OPPOSING TEAM.. They score daily.. No shots missed.. %100 from the three.. Stupid fast shot creation.. Deep depression there. Then there are other titles like Fight Night Round 3, Dead or Alive 4 and other games that I play to catch up or knock the rust off of. Madden and NCAA 10. I need new football games.

So she made steak and rice. It tasted alright. Kinda salty the steak was, but Im happy to eat anything. Just trying to get these aches out of my circle so that I can communicate fully and freely.. Thats what will land me a job. They want to know if you can work and communicate thats all.. Can you be cool and flow with the day? With too many other stresses on your plate already how you can hold down a job? You can’t. And these interviewers.. These hiring managers they see it all over your face. They feel the confidence in your vibration as soon as you walk into the office room or wherever it may be. So yeah.. tomorrow Im going to dress business casual, button up pair of pants and a button up and be ready for anything..

Pffffffft what else ah yeah my bud Alex got a Vita.. Sooooo perhaps Ill have a mobile gaming pal now.. depending on what games he gets. We both already have SFXT.. Hope he’s been practicing Im already pretty good at that game. He’s more of the sports type tho; And as mentioned above.. :-[

Nothing really super duper special. Ah yes my Father (as I heard from my mother) is going to have surgery on his brain.. there is a tumor in it that needs to be removed.. Couldn’t believe my ears but we are all human beings! Anything can happen to any of us at any given time. I do pray for him even thought I know he will be okay.. Dad is strong and will be good once he gets back home. I miss my Dad. Learning more and more life is meaningless without people who love you.. Like genuinely love you.. The kind of love you can FEEL.. Kind of love that can’t be questioned. 

Well folks thats pretty much it. Guess I’ll tap around on this computer till I fall asleep. 

Leave the soda outcha life!! Cant wait to leave it out of mine.

PEACE

1-7

Im coming to a realization. Its pretty deep. 

Im living deep inside of a hole. Whats interesting is, I can peep out to interact with the world in small increments at a time. But it, seems as if everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY) is living out of the box, and Ive been the one stuck in the box this whole time. I was thinking it was the opposite; that I Was the one who had the right idea, that I was the one who was thinking too clever for anyone to understand. Turns out the more I pay attention, the more I feel like the fool because, well, everyone else is so much more successful in this life than me. Who am I to tell someone about them self, when they themselves have a foundation that surpasses mine on every level. 

I feel like Im living in a deep dark place that nobody (besides maybe mom) can care enough to pull me out of because it would take too much work. There’s a lot of gunk dust and layers of dark thickness to crack through in order to see some kind, hell any kind of light in my world.

No job. No money. Dead end relationship. Not to mention, day to day miseries of the world. Gun blast a kid got shot coming out of the store yesterday. Went to a concert (the hottest concert of the year might I add) and pretended to have a decent time but I felt pretty dead. Me and my girlfriend.. its over between us but we hold on, we have our reasons. And me I just pity myself way, WAY too much.

America doesn’t want to see you cry. Nor does America want to see you frown. America wants to see you put your problems behind you and find a reason to be happy. I can’t do that. In order for me to be happy, my life has to be in order. I have to have faith in my future. Things like a paycheck, sex and other things that make many people forget their problems, they don’t work for me like they do other people. Actually the effect is opposite of that; It makes things WORSE. I worry even more. I scold myself for spending so much money on such things that are impulse purchases. Reason being? Because I was bored. Or because I was upset but didn’t want to admit to it at that point in time.

Im going to go on a wild guess here and say, I’ve spent at least three thousand dollars with my dealer since meeting him. Thats a down payment on a car. Hell, that IS a car. Thats deposit for an apartment. Thats furniture. Thats a lot of things, other that what the money went to. I don’t really regret spending that much money on marijuana over the course of a year or so (especially since me and my dealer have somewhat of a relationship, so I know he’s just hustling to feed his family), but what I do wonder is what was I thinking week after week while I was purchasing the gram. I can’t wait to smoke? Man Im bored as fuck? Oh boy does this life suck? This will make it better? I mean what was my mind frame? It became a habit. It became as habitual as breathing. Hustling during the week, smoke out on the weekends. Most times it was one gram, other times it was two. Whats the point in this?

Ive lost control. Im spiraling downward in a life I wasn’t meant to live, in a life thats not meant for me. I wasn’t raised around weed and alcohol. It was never in our house, EVER. My mom, nor did my dad smoke or drink until way later on down the line until after I was grown. Thats when I experimented with pot; friends in the ghetto introduced me and well I thought it was pretty cool but it was just that, an experiment. Now, I almost feel like I need pot just to make life balance out. Like I need it to blow steam. To release tension and stress. Its like nothing else can do it. And Im not blaming my friends in the ghetto, nor am I blaming myself, but the habitual environment thats created in doing such. Without watching ones self, you can fly off into a world of things you won’t even know you did. You’ll wake up one morning and say “How in the hell did I get here?” “What was I thinking?”

Its rather dangerous. A lot of things I could not understand as a child, like why people did certain things, I can understand now. Outside forces (Even outside of pot alcohol and other drugs) can cause you to do things, act upon things you never thought you would do. Which is why, in my opinion its important to watch yourself at all times. There’s no safety net in this world where you can let lose and be worry free. There is always something around the corner, watching you waiting on you to slip so that you can fall into its trap. ALWAYS. So watch yourself people. Something else always is.

As far as me, theres some reconstructing that needs to be done. Some faith in God that must be renewed because me and God, when I was younger, we rocked hard together, through thick and thin. But I find myself hiding from God, trying to trick him into believing my lies because I am embarrassed at the things Ive put myself though. And all God does is leave me, waiting on my honest calling so that he can come back and help me throughout this life. I know I can get my God back, but it will hurt, and there’s no one else to turn to or blame that on but me. 

Alright. Youtube at 3:00am is probably not the healthiest of activities. 

PEACE

1-6

Watched the Video Music Awards last night. Made a vein in my right eye go kind of haywire, but thats not what caught me off guard. I now have an extreme interest in one of the music industry’s biggest pop stars, Miley Cyrus. Why? I don’t know. Oh I know why. When you see her on Instagram or wherever else she is, she looks like this cute, frilly school kid who needs attention from loving puffy animals and long loving hugs. So thats what I expected when she hosted the VMAs last night. Dude… It was like a completely different person came out of that girls mouth when she started talking! Not only did the person she concealed sounded completely different; She light weight sounded Black! So much soul from a frilly little white girl. And Im not racist nor do I believe in race all like that, but dude that blew my wig back. I watched the rest of the two hour program- just to hear that girls voice. It was like she was a full grown woman packaged inside of a tiny weeny little girl, boasting authentic woman power that honestly I haven’t seen or heard any woman use (besides my mother of course) in a LONG time. It was like.. some ancient person had taken over Miley’s body and used every inch of it to speak sing dance and perform. Im still kind of peaked as I type this out. I had never been into her, ever, even when she first came out. I had a song or two due to women being around and wanting to hear her music, probably Youtubed her a few times but nope. Not an album, video or song had graced my iPod ever. She has a free album out now called “Miley and her dead pets” or something to that effect. Perhaps next time I go to the library Ill check it out (for whatever reason).

Anywho, its been brought to my attention that my girlfriend is no longer into the relationship we have. So, as soon as I find work, I shall save, and I shall be out. Thankful yes because I have a roof, but we may have to discuss a “Roomate” situation. I don’t know how much more mental, spiritual abuse I can take without saying something about it outright. Its the things she does; Walks away in mid conversation, brushes off the things I tell her bother me, no consideration for me whatsoever, etc. Its already obvious she doesn’t really think outside the box, but I could have helped her with that in the future. Its that her heart, deep DEEP down, is in the right place and just needs to be showed some love to flourish. But its frozen solid. No remorse for her disrespectful actions, its just a whole heap of craziness. But I won’t make this whole blog about that. In short; I hope to last here until I can find a job and save money to move out. Wanted a car, but that will have to be put on the back burner, as this folks is an emergency. 

So Im having conversations with my good ol mama and every time Im down, she’s there to pick me up. This is what I thought friends did. Heck, this is what I thought girlfriends did. But she does it and I love her for it. She doesn’t have to spend time talking to a saddy dud trying to pull himself out of a hole. But she does because its love. Love. I can’t do enough to show my appreciation to such an amazing, funny, intelligent woman. But maybe call her more. (Dag!) Love my mother, man. Don’t know how I’d be feeling without her there to talk to. 

I think I put too much butter on those sandwiches. Wheat bread, Kraft american and steak I cut up into small pieces for lunch. Pretty much soaked them so Im slightly dizzy. Im changing my diet, working out and getting the hell out of this dark damp mind state I’ve been in. Im not blaming anything either. Not the girl Im with, not this neighborhood, not the government, nothing. Im in the body I walk, talk and eat with so Im my own responsibility. As hard as its going to be (boy will it be hard. I been brainwashed on chicken and kool aid something terrible), it can be done. I have friends who are JUST LIKE me who have posted before and after pictures of their results after just a years work. The difference is uncanny. So lets get ready to die lol. Bust the fat! Bust it off with FORCE. Cant believe I let myself get like this.. No regrets though. It was fun eating dinner for two, eating whole packs of cookies and carrying on, but the future is fast approaching, and thirty is coming. I don’t want my body to get used to being treated like this!! Also; I’d like to be able to run and jump, perhaps ride a skateboard or two at the age of 40! So yeah.. Its coming.. my mental has to grow with me.. Come on mental.. get your lazy but up.

Been feeling real sore about my Dad lately. I know thats where those sore feelings and miserable spells are coming from. Besides living with a girl who Im pretty much over. Anyways, the reason I am not going to call is because, I ALWAYS call. Everytime we get into something, its me, Gee who is calling him throwing up the white flag. His big head needs to call me this time. Im a person who deserves an apology, at least a phone call to discuss and get over the situation. And I can promise you after what he said to me, he won’t get a call from me. He’s the one living the life he built for himself folks; a home, a car and all the food music movies and whatever else you can imagine he has it or can get and get it quickly. So its no disrespect, we just live two different lives and see things two different ways although we are very much alike. And I can take his side of the story- the problem comes when its time for him to take my side. And he cannot. He refuses. And his champion excuse is this, “You’re my son, not the other way around”. In other words, “I don’t have to do anything, but you have to do everything”. So I, being twenty nine years of age can be played, disrespected and talked to any old kind of way because.. You’re my dad? Okay old man.. only in your world. Sad to because I love him and will do ANYTHING for him to return all of the years he helped take care of me when I was young, bought me clothes christmas gifts food you name it. But its like we can’t meet on a balanced level because if he isn’t Lording over me he doesn’t want anything to do with me. And I for one.. well I feel like thats fucked up. So here we are thinking of each other just about everyday.. wondering what each other are doing missing each others company when all he has to do is be a man and pick up the phone to talk to his son. Maybe his head will deflate soon and he will realize how silly he is for holding a grudge against his ONLY son, lol. Cant say only child anymore. Oh and my sister.. I need her presence.. it brings such a reality.. such a purity to me.. can’t explain it. But anyhow.. Yeah thats how that goes.. So now Im sitting wondering what I should do. Get my Scorpion back up to speed, work some of the fat off of this belly of mines, skate, listen to music or play some PSO.

Either way, view the expiration dates on drinks before gulping them. You may be surprised. 

PEACE

1-5

Man, Its been a good while since Ive posted, blogged or whatever you wanna call this thing. I just like to type out my own thoughts, you can look back on them with new eyes and evaluate (this dude here sounds like a cop) how you came to the decisions you made, the things you did or said. Its pretty cool. 

Anyway, still no super stable income, no call back from Roses Discounts yet (who said they’d call me once the store opened up) but I am remaining faithful and patient because, well the interview went pretty well. Me and my girlfriend got into a huge fight.. I came home and she was down in the basement where I usually am, sitting in a chair crying. Now she’s know for keeping in her feelings and walking on eggshells (we all do this as human beings, but she takes this concept to its most extreme level) so I was already asking her questions. Was it something I Said? Something I did? Perhaps I forgot about something I else? Do you want to break up- She shook her head up and down meaning yes on break up. Her reasoning was, she doesn’t think she’s good enough for me. She thinks I can do better. She doesn’t want to tarnish my golden life with her presence. Hard to believe, but thats what she said. I had to nip this in the bud quickly because a) Straight up if I left there, I’d be homeless and b) She’s a good person deep down, and she doesn’t deserve to feel as lowly as she does. We all make mistakes, some more than others, but to take it this far is, once again, extreme. 

I told her to let Me decide on who is best for me. Because even if we don’t work out, it doesn’t mean ill hate her for all eternity. It’ll just mean it didn’t work out. And with my current situation, It would be kind of hard to live in the same house broken up, and ultimately its her place no matter how much I put on anything I’d have to be the one to leave. Its so sad because its like there’s a force holding her back. Like an invincible hand choking her neck stopping her from being who she completely wants to be. I tell her who cares about judgmental people, forget about the joneses, etc but I don’t know. Maybe this last fight will do it, because we decided on trying this one more time, trying to work it out, so whoever knows what will happen. Perhaps she will brighten up, perhaps she will not. Either way, I still need to find work.

In the midst of watching tons of heroes episodes and crafting my hip hop status, I’ve been wondering a lot more about emotion, pain, joy, suffering and many other things that us as people go through. The natural part of life that allows you to feel what you are going through, instead of just being able to talk about it. I’ve been wondering about that because, its a weird thing to describe. Its not automatic. You can’t press a button and make it work. It grows. Its seeded deep and waits for you to make the right move that helps it flourish. Thats what we fight for. To naturally live out our days. Tough though not to be a cold damp lifeless person when so much of life has been taken over by, well, everything. Almost everything we do takes on another life in itself, lol. So you can easily forget where you got those feelings from, making them float on, until either a) They return, or b) some else ignites the idea within you.

That got a bit weird. Anyways, Jerhon has been calling me like crazy, need to get in touch with him. When I do finally call back, he doesn’t answer! So I just left a nice voicemail saying “Yo man! Calling ya back, whats up! Call whenever you can bud” kind of message. Hung with James at the hills, we blazed up and talked about some of everything. Always good to catch up with him. Then there is this new guy who wanted to hang, his name is Alex. He didn’t live too far, so I hopped over.

This guy is pretty cool, but pretty weird, as I’d expect from any true gamer. He is good at games, but not as good as me. He listened to about twenty seconds of a few different songs off of my mix tapes, said its not his kind of music. I respected it, but then noticed, thats the market I want. I want the people who don’t even LISTEN to rap/hip hop music to hear my stuff and say “Impressive” or “Thats different Ive never heard it like that”. So that gave me a flare to do something different. I can kind of feel it, just have to save it and put it onto something permanent. Got blazed with him, he put ten on the og I had brought and we gamed, laughed, debated and had a pretty decent time. He let me borrow Power Season 1, haven’t watched that yet. Left my heroes disc three and my hdmi cable there. Probably head back over this weekend depending on how the days roll. 

Thats just some of the chaos, the hecticness that went on. Right now that Im debating on paying for a ride to the game exchange or just catching the bus. More later on tho! 

See ya when I do.

Palm