Nothing

 These days. Boy oh boy, these days.

Delta Dawn? What's that flower you have on? Lol My Mom used to sing that to me as I'd smile widely and brightly. 

Had the place for about two years now, and the narc family that I thought would fade into the past without a ghost of a chance has fully taken control of the estates effortlessly, like without even a fight. I find this hilarious because A) she's a FIVE YEAR OLD relationship and B) these people act like they cant or don't know me without this slave bitch haunting and lording over every single thing I do. So guess what I did. I quit

I quit life period. I quit even trying. The jobs, the weed, the whole fashion shit the whole community scheme is a sham. A bunch of hypocrites like K Dot said. If you don't know real from fake how did you make it here to the hood?! Lol

Its only crazy because I'm not some crackhead begging for help, or even a bad person while drunk or super stoned. I'm not out here nipping out of someone else pot just to stay afloat, playing the MAGA role just to score a few points off stupid niggers, stacking major dough and laughing at the lower class economy, or even going crazy gone mad just to EXIST. No. I did what I did to survive. I live off of the what's mine is yours rule, meaning if ever I over exceed your standards or comfort zone (which I will) just holler at me and we can work on it or come to an agreement and build a relationship if it even needs to get that far. But nah. Her slave master family has fully brainwashed this entire area to the point where now not only can I not find temporary employment, I now basically have no place to stay. 

Neighbor already began to wig out last year, so she (and her posse) REALLY started up in the end of last year and this year. Since she has the biggest influence on the floor (she's old and lives like a teen) the rest of the floor where I stay joined her in stating they don't want me here. And don't care where I end up

This has resulted in various landladies coming in and out of here trying to figure out what the issue is, since I don't bother anyone. Ever. Finally one came in here and saw that I wasn't violent but more of a pompus ass due to lifes lessons and my parents passing AND my family basically selling out for chicken change. She kinda separated us, but not physically. If that makes any sense. Since then there has been small arguments, but what got me is how I got jumped and kicked in the face, which cause me to go blind in the left eye over this old woman

I cant go back to the shelter because her slavery ghost still rules and haunts. They know my every move they keep saying the run the city. I know Im not a angel by any means but this making me suicidal. Its like where do I go what do I do. I gave it all up on purpose. Im a weed smoking, no family having felon with a gang of shoes (that I need to clean) and no hope. To the point where I cant afford the medicine or glasses even being on medical assistance. Whew! 

My biggest move is saying fuck it all and heading to NYC. Relax. Its a business move

I'm not leaving to say fuck my hometown per say. I'm spent bread here started a few connections here that cant be copied or emulated anywhere, and people are afraid of that. I'm doing it because of one simple reason; Population. 

You see, her narc dad and kids got comfy because, lets keep it a buck, there's hardly anyone here. This town is small. Is easily taken control of by anyone who has the bigger influence. So her demonic ways have swindled the opinions of my friends and family, let alone total strangers who are SUPPOSED to know me yet want play games or what not. Which hurts, but that's the breaks. So for me to head out to clear my mind, get crushed by a bigger city (the BIGGEST city) and maybe even try my hand at a new life out there just to see where I am myself doesn't mean I'm running away from a mess I've caused because I know how people will and can see this situation and try to flip it. And I mean its been time anyways I'm almost 40 I'm a prisoner to this city since I've haven't really been out of state in years. Just time for a refresher. 

Now how is this going to go down when I have no income! I have two tax returns coming, or that should have been came but haven't. One I've been waiting over a year for, and the other I had to call each company individually and get the EIN numbers, which was a great big Christmas gift to enjoy. That's really the only chance I have at leaving and those returns don't really equal a lot. Oh but wait! There CMHA that I owe for not paying them for almost six months in a row! How am I not evicted the world will never know

I'm done is what its called. I'm traumatized, trauma bonded and really fucked in the head for real. I fight to stay on EBT and keep Medicaid (which the Trumpster is threatening to cut here in a minute) and that's really all. The office staff has me slaving in the building just to stay here and I bet that could last for eternity. Most of the dudes who jumped me (even the bitch who broke my phone) I caught them on the low and they either understood or we came to some kind of understanding. But this one drama queen..

Other than these this is it. I had this one ex gf come down here since my aunt acted to high and mighty to keep her own word as far as taking me to a procedure. I regret it. She joined team narc almost immediately and I'm now noticing it an everlasting trend. Especially for those with fucked up families or who are caught up in the streets. Her father.. I tried to warn them all

Other than all that I play Dark Souls Remastered I'm on new game + right now headed to Ornstein and Smough. I wish I had an updated XBOX so I could at least play 2K25 since I'm still stuck in the hood. I still play music from time to time, it has to be a mood, it has to strike me. I just bathed for the first time in five days, if that says anything. I do cook for myself, I've done damage to the unit so I am looking forward to moving sometime in the immediate future. As far as SWI/UFO goes with the raps, I'm done. No, literally since the charger isn't working. I get an itch to spit whenever I hear a new beat but I'm kinda done. I wanna make it to the studio and wow myself for once. 

Welp that's it. If you don't work, don't eat. 

PEACE

Soul vs Spirit

 Unleashing your own existence amongst other forces is a task in itself, before you even begin to realize your purpose in being.

What? Know what you are and what your purpose is can't be the only way. You have to be ready for the obstacles and possible dangers that come with knowing. Thats the very reason for being aware!

After having this place for over a year, working on two I am quickly realizing how lucky (and or course for the darth vader fans, "unlucky") I've been to be living with no wife, no girl or children friends etc not even a pet. I've been able to explore the problems in my own mind with the worlds basic distractions. All I have to do to stay alive is work with the people who clothed housed and fed me. That means keep them up to date with any progress I make job wise, in case I land a job that pays salary I would then have leave the estates or living quarters since I make enough to survive on my own. 

Because of ALL of that Im researching government slavery religion health fashion and even a little political structure. My mind is opening faster than my narc family can take (because they still pop up to ruin any BIG plans that are made by damaging my nervous system and respiratory make) I am freeing myself from them, but also my own loyal ways towards my family and government so I have to tread carefully.

Seeing the doctor again for my newly found gaul bladder polyp.  She said had I not found it sooner it could have turned into cancer. I do drink more water than usual and workout but I know I could be doing better. I get organic whatever I can afford. Im having heavy thoughts about going back to no meat. I felt lighter and better and was dealing with people with clearer communication.

Anywho I want Melty Blood for Xbox, but every time I see it's full price. I got a Jobstack the other day so I can pay for my Starz subscription to finish Power Book II and watch Saw X again. Im good on shoes and summer attire if you ask me. I know I could use some new shorts and T-Shirts but I have to keep weekly and monthly bus passes every interval since I let my car get junked last year. Smh

But yep. Trying to get good in 2K (2K23), been playing both Marvel games (Ultimate and Infinite).

If you wear a backpack, pack it like its the last day of your life before you leave.

PEACE

  

Head, Beak and Tail

Went a whole year without blogging. Here goes bringing in the New Year

Having a rocking time here at the new place, good and bad. Bad as in leaving this side of the building, neighbors are too dangerous for my personal situation. They'll kill me thinking Im the narc Im carrying and I can't afford to be round people that stupid. 

Another than that Ive smoked ALL the weed (relax, its legal) drank ALL the wine beer and liquor (done with beer forever, unless its free or offered) and danced many of nights away spraning ankles on the way. I did lose my car being silly, I also lost my parents, which isn't so silly. In fact it isn't silly at all.

I feel empty and lost without them. I felt them leave me when they passed on to the next life. People kill me with that we dont go anywhere when we die bullshit. Miss me with that. I did my parents bidding before they went, as well as my grandma, I still wish I could've did them a better job in letting them know things will suck but Ill be fine. They've taught me worlds of knowledge and given me galaxies of love that no one can even roll off of their tongue, let alone try to understand. 

Another than that its been new shoes, new weed, new shoes, new games, new weed, no new clothes (old ones I haven't even started mixing up yet) new job, quit a job, new job, quit a job, laid off a job and yep its 95% narc related. I can't help but to realized its over for anything long term right now, which is bad considering Im THIRTY SEVEN years of age and the years CLEARLY aren't slowing down. Neither are the deaths in the family. Sometimes I can't help but to think Im next even though I do nothing but stay inside and drown myself in books on Marcus Garvey, Nat Turner etc etc etc and those are just the few books I fuck with. I can't wait to increase my collection on what I need to be reading as well as what I want.

Ive lost major weight. At least twenty pounds in the last month or so. Money has been super scarce. I had jobstack going great until I got into it with some dude who thought I was slow, so there's that. Fucked up the whole flow of shit. Now its back to various job agencies and CSL until I can get in touch with the branch and fix shit back up. I need the cheese. I asked the landlady about eviction, she said dont worry about it, but I know I have only a few months before it will be brought up. 

Another other than that, I dont really do shit. I smoke alone, dont hang with anyone and its BLISSFUL. I dont have my pet bunny yet (Im thinking of naming him Roger) my diet is coming along great (I still sneak soda and snacks) and I broke my skateboard into splinters. I need to be talking to more females though, it does get cold for no reason in my place, even when the heat is blazing to all high hell. So far, no complaints on my tunes being ultra loud. If anything they say "Hike that shit up"

Looking forward to seeing more of my family this year. I contacted and saw a bit of em last year and as difficult as it was to pull myself together it helped just knowing I can go to other peoples houses. You know, raid fridges use phones (since I broke mine at work in Westlake) and just bother people for an hour or so. You never know how people feel about you until you stop by or give them a call. Its usually the same though

Well alright. Happy 2024. Two snows all year and we've just gotten started 

PEACE

Ears

 Well. 

I lost my job, but I’m in my new place, if that makes any kind of sense at all. 

So as I type this, angry voices are shouting at me like I killed one of their family members or caused the holocaust. I’m over it 

Already back on Indeed, apps filled out, already getting return messages and calls. In between time I’ll be bugging temp agencies for work until another permanent position hires me in. Check

The apartment is an apartment in the GHETTO. “Pot’ments”. Hood. Because I’m not a stranger to this kind of scene it doesn’t really bother me. There are some serious activities around here though, serious enough to keep you aware. I blast my music to all high heaven (floor speakers), walk around naked and talk to myself in the third person, so I keep up with some of the weirdness. I get my money up things will definitely get interesting. 

So far I need a couch, really badly, and a a bed, really badly. I’d like another TV, a really nice one (8K?) few more tables, some potware (a just found a few pieces today) a microwave, a towel set, maybe a few chairs (lazyboy?) some art for the walls and that’s really it. I mean a plate set, a PS4 Pro and some 16in speakers would be nice, but my couple of Mainstays, XB1X and 12in speakers go just fine. Plenty to do here in this place cosmetically.

Workouts have begun, stopped and begun again. Insane drinking has begun. That’s it. Studying has begun, stopped and restarted. Haven’t had any flings or sneaky links yet. I have successfully repaired a few computers here, even got a printer working that once wasn’t so yeah. Stretching is normally a norm, but so is drinking. I think I said that. I have tons of books to read, tons of work to do computer wise (systems that haven’t been worked on or booted in a hot second) and still learning to meditate release old past trauma and overall just calm down and relax. I’m still not acclimated in those ways yet. Soon enough

Yesterday was Black Friday and I was black and broke. I was able to come up though. Grabbed a modem and router for less than thirty bucks. Came with huge amounts of coaxial cable and network cable. Stopped and grabbed bagels pepperonis and a frozen pizza along with a 12 pack of White Claw. Cashier was cute, so I had to ask if the 12 pack ever goes on sale. Turns out she just started and didn’t have a clue. Welp

I got the biggest possible bottle of Absolut last week and, you guessed it, its gone. I have to stop drinking or at least calm down. At least twice Ive already drank myself into a coma to where I forget what I did how I got naked or how I even passed out. I’d just wake up clueless. Drug test coming next week so Ive slowed all the way down. I had a few Claws but that’ll be it for a while. I’m just a little worried about.. myself

Thanksgiving was a few days ago. I did contact aunties and step moms and they were fine. I did blast old school music from the 80s 90s and 2000s. I did make absolutely zero holiday food (making mac & cheese this coming Xmas) I did think about my mother and father grandma and the rest of them. Some family left town this year for the holidays. 

I need to get my car out of impound. Thanks to me arguing with the cop, he took my vehicle. I have the privileges from Parma, but Im sure the fees have accumulated. I need to get down to the lot and see what’s up

Welp that’s it really. When it’s late November and the temperature is 60+ degrees, still dress accordingly.

PEACE 

80s

 Interview Monday.

Another cleaning/janitor position. Do I feel like doing it? No. Do I have a choice? No. I need cheese to keep Metro Extra Storage and Trexis happy. Not to mention my own little silly White Claw Burger King and Dorito habits fulfilled. Hopefully they pay more than the last gig. And hopefully I dont have to work all day. 10 and 12 hour shifts start to eat you after a few weeks. Well I found out how to not go so hard on my body while working so I should be okay to hit the gym study and focus on my mother while I get other things done. 

So, I've been thinking, and its scary to think. I need a break. From this city. I feel like everyone sees me as a felon. Not a man trying to come up. Not a valuable asset. But I feel like someone who can be treated any old kind of way here. My mind body and brain need a breath of fresh air. My eyes need to see new surroundings. My existence needs to know other scenes exist. This is weird because lord know financially I couldn't even dream of living or even visiting another city, let alone another state. But mentally would I be ready for another set of laws? Other kind of government? I don't know. I just feel like I've become on such a same old same old basis I need something to shake me. Move my body. Scare me into my own self. I feel like everything is so detached from me. 

This wouldn't be forever clearly. I love the city I'm from. I've seen it come a long way. In fact, this place is on its way to being the capital of what my passion literally is. I couldn't see myself running elsewhere to start a new life claiming it couldn't be done here because of legal reasons. After I expunge these felonies the excuses should drop. I should be certified and working by then and on my way to POSSIBLY getting my first degree. 

These are bold words for a brown boy whos on probation. I say this because nothing motivates me. Nothing grinds me. The only two things that push me are exercise and CompTIA apps. People don't. The city will always be the city. But I don't feel anything worth it or special. Everyone's entitled. I feel left out. This is not the way I remember growing up. You had to earn your way. And people knew it. They felt your work and wouldn't question it

I also need a girlfriend. Not my mother, not a female companion. But an actual wife. Someone who wont run and puts up with my shit. I say this because I notice I have no bounds. I don't stop myself. I don't limit my behavior. Anything goes with me.. and that's dangerous in 2022. Every little action is watched. Every single word is heard. And I say I need a woman because besides my boy fantasies of a beautiful woman there are things I never learned growing up. I know a woman's worth, what she's capable of but other than that that's it. Unlocking a woman's full potential is a grand scale achievement in life, I feel like I have yet to one hundred percent accomplish that goal. I just feel like I have alot to learn when it comes to compromise, sharing learning more about female feelings emotions etc. 

At times I feel like a wild beast. Others as tame a pile of molasses. I cant find balance. My emotions are out of control. I punched a dent in a locker because my last bunk mate decided to jump onto some prejudice bandwagon and start hooping and hollering about how he'll fight me and he's supreme and blah blah blah. I'm not for the talking or the show, and with the pressure that's been building up inside of my body I would've beat the bullshit right out of his ass and whistled my way to jail knowing it was rightfully so. But that's irresponsible. Why throw away three years of (almost) perfect behavior for someone who was once all for chit chatting and now all of a sudden a racist. Its not worth it. I cant and wont let others trigger my actions.

Turning 36 under these stipulations is a trip. I was suppose to go to college at 18, graduate at 22 and live the success story by 27. Here I am trying to scrape together what little integrity and dignity I have and make a solid impression with it. Its not cool. I regret the time I wasted. But, at least the lesson has been learned. 

Speaking of lessons, the ex's haunted family is slowly, and I do mean SLOWLY, exiting my life. The ghost are less abundant, people don't sob or shy away from me as much, I don't feel as shitty as a human possibly can first thing waking up. I don't know if its because I'm trying to attempt a new schedule, I'm involving more people on a deeper level, I don't give up as quickly as a use to, I dont appear as weak as I use to be, alot come into play with this. I wont celebrate until I feel completely back to normal, back to my old self again. That's going to be awhile since yes her and her family has done damage to me I was also doing my own damage to who I am. So I need to build some muscle in my balls and conquer those insecurities so that things can attempt to be livable. If thats a word

Welp. I think I'll grab a steak quesadilla (added bacon) and a Pepsi. Head back and get ready for the week to come.

Don't get excited until you know its safe to get excited.

PEACE  

 

Pain

 Welp. Job lost.

This time, its due to physical limitation. I can't work continually without having to stop and take breaks. I am headed to Pivot Staffing and Great Works tomorrow morning. I will probably go to the library first and fill out apps or call ahead and make appointments. But according to Indeed positions are open.. 

Mother doing okay, seen her about a month ago and called about a week ago. I was supposed to go see her this past weekend but as usual I was hit with a sick wave of depression and canceled. She understood but told me I need to see her sometime soon. 

I have to go see my father to grab tax mail and get it in Turbo Tax before April 15th. I get my last check Friday and will use it to pay phone bill and postal fee. I put my foot in my mouth when I told him Id give him a payment for holding my mail, now I have to pay the piper. Fail. 

Im honestly exhausted. Being lonely isn't the way to be. Im 35, have 0 friends and my family seems to operating on another level of existence. I can't wait to find another means of employment. My schedule was going PRETTY decent. Work, workout, write, read, study. Simple. Do need to start reaching out to old friends on Facebook though. They do send messages and try to video call I just never answer. 

I shut the TV and Music off for the last.. four or so days. Its like life around me transformed. Things are harder without crutches and vices. I drink White Claw every weekend, twelve of them, but its gotten watered down and boring. Facebook Instagram and Twitter turn into blurry blobs of useless data. I dont know.

I need to get in shape though. My body.. the organs in it dont move. And being beat down by work worry and stress dont help it. I dont exactly eat nutritional meals either so its not like I dont expect some kind of fatigue. But to not be able to do simple missions without breathing super hard is not good. I need treadmill action jogging action some cardio. For now, I found some Android apps that give me basic home workouts. Squats situps pushup pull ups jumping jacks bird dogs knee to chest etc etc. It definitely helps. What I need is an abdomen workout that works on my belly waist and lower back. After doing those for a few months I should be feeling pretty good. Still won't stop me from skateboarding around. 

I dont know. I miss stuff thats how I feel. I won't say things are boring, because they aren't. But its not how it used to be. But who am I to complain? 

Thats it. Try not to spend so much on fast food

PEACE

Muffled

 Welp

Had a few jobs since leaving the cleaning company and things are just weird. I actually came across a really good opportunity ($16hr, 8 hrs a day, no weekends) and got offered a permanent position. I turned it down. Let me explain why

There is a huge backlog of personal drama and darkness that looms over me and overtakes the situation whenever I take up these kinds of opportunities. At work I'm fine, but when it comes to talking conversing with anyone for more than two seconds a sadness takes over me and its hard for me to continue. Which is silly because A) I have a background as being known as the most talkative person out of all of my friends and B) Im 35 years young for christ sake. Have something about yourself. But what I've noticed is, and this may sound silly, IT ISNT ME

There's this ex (which I bring up from time to time in these vlogs) and because of the events that occurred between me and her (and her family) the black witch spells, dark magic and trauma bonding people are expecting me to live and build my character around those parameters and nothing more. Problem is, I already have a character who is quite well known I might add. Far from perfect, he's a people person (most of the time) gets the job done and is for the people (whenever the cause isn't completely and utterly wasteful). So there's an issue whenever the work is done, and its time to dick around or shoot the shit with co workers at lunch and I'm caught in between this person I was painted to be versus who I really am (and not to mention the phony decoy I've created for situations such as work)

So that's why I had to turn it down. I noticed I didn't start off on the foot that Id have to live by from day one of starting the job. I refuse to be another drone living behind a thick wall of darkness begging to break out. I want to at least be able to feel confident around people. Not just co workers anybody. People run the world so you'd be in misery if you cant deal with them on a day to day basis in strong fashion, right?

Problem is, I HAVE BILLS! I did work three days at $14hr which nets over $300 I'm sure, haven't done the math but it should be enough to cover this months expenses. I have gone back and looked at my life with the ex from two years ago and I definitely WAS NOT painting the best character as a role model who was living in a house with kids and a grandparent. Though the situation was far from normal, that's no excuse. The man in the mirror is who I blame for eventually becoming lazy and content with the situation as it was. So yeah after going back and noticing all of that I felt some weight lift off my chest, my heart clearing a little and even my little peanut head having a little vibration of its own for once. 

Interview tomorrow, see probation officer today and Ill just make up something about the warehouse closing due to co-vid. I don't feel like explain all of my personal bullshit to someone who could probably careless and its not like she's a therapist anyway. Thing is I wont be able to make my $50 payment this week and she might come down on me for that. If I want to get off probation early having all fee's and cost paid off might be something I want to look into

Other than that its same old. Dealing with this half way house situation, I take care of myself pretty well showering laundry kept up pretty well its getting chilly so I went to the storage unit and grabbed some hoodies and sweatshirts since Fall is upon us. Its been nothing but Animal Crossing and One Tree Hill and my Court TV all day and night bunkie who is barely ever there. Looking forward to getting back to work! 

Well that's it. I did get vaccinated, but didn't get the booster so, yeah there's that. Since my bag was stolen I'll need to get a new social security card but I have scans of them in case hr department needs them for hire in.

Have a good day. Don't eat the Popeyes Chicken Sandwich unless you plan on going back