Muffled

 Welp

Had a few jobs since leaving the cleaning company and things are just weird. I actually came across a really good opportunity ($16hr, 8 hrs a day, no weekends) and got offered a permanent position. I turned it down. Let me explain why

There is a huge backlog of personal drama and darkness that looms over me and overtakes the situation whenever I take up these kinds of opportunities. At work I'm fine, but when it comes to talking conversing with anyone for more than two seconds a sadness takes over me and its hard for me to continue. Which is silly because A) I have a background as being known as the most talkative person out of all of my friends and B) Im 35 years young for christ sake. Have something about yourself. But what I've noticed is, and this may sound silly, IT ISNT ME

There's this ex (which I bring up from time to time in these vlogs) and because of the events that occurred between me and her (and her family) the black witch spells, dark magic and trauma bonding people are expecting me to live and build my character around those parameters and nothing more. Problem is, I already have a character who is quite well known I might add. Far from perfect, he's a people person (most of the time) gets the job done and is for the people (whenever the cause isn't completely and utterly wasteful). So there's an issue whenever the work is done, and its time to dick around or shoot the shit with co workers at lunch and I'm caught in between this person I was painted to be versus who I really am (and not to mention the phony decoy I've created for situations such as work)

So that's why I had to turn it down. I noticed I didn't start off on the foot that Id have to live by from day one of starting the job. I refuse to be another drone living behind a thick wall of darkness begging to break out. I want to at least be able to feel confident around people. Not just co workers anybody. People run the world so you'd be in misery if you cant deal with them on a day to day basis in strong fashion, right?

Problem is, I HAVE BILLS! I did work three days at $14hr which nets over $300 I'm sure, haven't done the math but it should be enough to cover this months expenses. I have gone back and looked at my life with the ex from two years ago and I definitely WAS NOT painting the best character as a role model who was living in a house with kids and a grandparent. Though the situation was far from normal, that's no excuse. The man in the mirror is who I blame for eventually becoming lazy and content with the situation as it was. So yeah after going back and noticing all of that I felt some weight lift off my chest, my heart clearing a little and even my little peanut head having a little vibration of its own for once. 

Interview tomorrow, see probation officer today and Ill just make up something about the warehouse closing due to co-vid. I don't feel like explain all of my personal bullshit to someone who could probably careless and its not like she's a therapist anyway. Thing is I wont be able to make my $50 payment this week and she might come down on me for that. If I want to get off probation early having all fee's and cost paid off might be something I want to look into

Other than that its same old. Dealing with this half way house situation, I take care of myself pretty well showering laundry kept up pretty well its getting chilly so I went to the storage unit and grabbed some hoodies and sweatshirts since Fall is upon us. Its been nothing but Animal Crossing and One Tree Hill and my Court TV all day and night bunkie who is barely ever there. Looking forward to getting back to work! 

Well that's it. I did get vaccinated, but didn't get the booster so, yeah there's that. Since my bag was stolen I'll need to get a new social security card but I have scans of them in case hr department needs them for hire in.

Have a good day. Don't eat the Popeyes Chicken Sandwich unless you plan on going back