Muffled

 Welp

Had a few jobs since leaving the cleaning company and things are just weird. I actually came across a really good opportunity ($16hr, 8 hrs a day, no weekends) and got offered a permanent position. I turned it down. Let me explain why

There is a huge backlog of personal drama and darkness that looms over me and overtakes the situation whenever I take up these kinds of opportunities. At work I'm fine, but when it comes to talking conversing with anyone for more than two seconds a sadness takes over me and its hard for me to continue. Which is silly because A) I have a background as being known as the most talkative person out of all of my friends and B) Im 35 years young for christ sake. Have something about yourself. But what I've noticed is, and this may sound silly, IT ISNT ME

There's this ex (which I bring up from time to time in these vlogs) and because of the events that occurred between me and her (and her family) the black witch spells, dark magic and trauma bonding people are expecting me to live and build my character around those parameters and nothing more. Problem is, I already have a character who is quite well known I might add. Far from perfect, he's a people person (most of the time) gets the job done and is for the people (whenever the cause isn't completely and utterly wasteful). So there's an issue whenever the work is done, and its time to dick around or shoot the shit with co workers at lunch and I'm caught in between this person I was painted to be versus who I really am (and not to mention the phony decoy I've created for situations such as work)

So that's why I had to turn it down. I noticed I didn't start off on the foot that Id have to live by from day one of starting the job. I refuse to be another drone living behind a thick wall of darkness begging to break out. I want to at least be able to feel confident around people. Not just co workers anybody. People run the world so you'd be in misery if you cant deal with them on a day to day basis in strong fashion, right?

Problem is, I HAVE BILLS! I did work three days at $14hr which nets over $300 I'm sure, haven't done the math but it should be enough to cover this months expenses. I have gone back and looked at my life with the ex from two years ago and I definitely WAS NOT painting the best character as a role model who was living in a house with kids and a grandparent. Though the situation was far from normal, that's no excuse. The man in the mirror is who I blame for eventually becoming lazy and content with the situation as it was. So yeah after going back and noticing all of that I felt some weight lift off my chest, my heart clearing a little and even my little peanut head having a little vibration of its own for once. 

Interview tomorrow, see probation officer today and Ill just make up something about the warehouse closing due to co-vid. I don't feel like explain all of my personal bullshit to someone who could probably careless and its not like she's a therapist anyway. Thing is I wont be able to make my $50 payment this week and she might come down on me for that. If I want to get off probation early having all fee's and cost paid off might be something I want to look into

Other than that its same old. Dealing with this half way house situation, I take care of myself pretty well showering laundry kept up pretty well its getting chilly so I went to the storage unit and grabbed some hoodies and sweatshirts since Fall is upon us. Its been nothing but Animal Crossing and One Tree Hill and my Court TV all day and night bunkie who is barely ever there. Looking forward to getting back to work! 

Well that's it. I did get vaccinated, but didn't get the booster so, yeah there's that. Since my bag was stolen I'll need to get a new social security card but I have scans of them in case hr department needs them for hire in.

Have a good day. Don't eat the Popeyes Chicken Sandwich unless you plan on going back

Giggle Giggle

 One big headache.

Paid insurance (SR22) and storage fee for the next month. Phone isn't due for another three weeks but thinking on paying that so that its out of the way. Prime Video decided to take their cut as well as IP Vanish so its not like I get any say so in anything. Said f*ck it and got Animal Crossing for the Switch since so much money is flying each and every direction. For a super unbelievably cheap price of course. Trade secret I might share later. Blew over $100 on Uber Eats the past four days, over $30 on the vending machines and I haven't even looked at the car I'm supposed to be towing to the shop to get fixed. *kanye shrug*

So now I sit downloading .eboot files and listening to people giggle. I just left my probation officer, who says I need to finish community service and look at Lincoln Electric for jobs. *sighs* 

Fall has finally hit, and its time to do some pants and long sleeve t-shirt shopping. Do I have the money for it? All together now.. NO!! Are we going to have the money for it.. probably no time soon. Court Community Service wants me to pay them $60 AGAIN because I've been terminated for not showing up so many days. Not to mention the $50 A WEEK I'm supposed to drop off at the Justice Center for the ankle monitor I DIDNT ASK TO BE ON

Other than that, I probably grab a Jimmy John's or Subway for dinner since nothing else is really around or affordable. Not like I can afford anything anyway lol. I went and got loaded on Ramen at Wal*Mart, over 40 packs. Need more boxes of canned sodas and a pack of assorted Little Debbie cakes wouldn't hurt. 

My bunk mate got a TV that he KEEPS on Court TV ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT LONG. Like wow. Thank God my Beats are noise cancellation. Smh. I need to get Tyler the Creators latest album btw

Well thats it. The hunt for employment ensues. Falls here, and soon Christmas cheer. Lets hope the holiday stacks roll in.

PEACE 

Nose Dive

 Welp. Job lost. 

All because I wouldn't be buddy buddy with my coworkers. I literally don't know how. I've come a long way though. I can play the fake game way better than a month ago, so Ill work on my "doppelganger" skills at the next job. 

I filled out an app for a games place called GameSwift or GamesSwift but its to work in a warehouse. Either way I learned I cant be too serious about whatever job I take. Its only to get bare necessities and is not a career move. What bothers me is my need to do each job so well and so passionately only to get shitted on because I wont suck anybody's wang or lick anyones ass every six seconds so that they can feel comfortable with there own ego stroke. *kanye shurg*

So here I sit, filling out apps. No. I don't care about a woman. I will never again surrender my freedom for food and clothes when I am very well able to get out and fend for self. No, fuck gov't assistance. I want to eat? Ill work and get paid. I need medical? Ill see about a primary care doctor. I hate HAND OUTS because YOU ALWAYS OWE SOMEONE at the end of the day. And that's the furthest thing from my business moto. Get it yourself. Doesn't mean be an ass though. 

Am I worried? A bit because I started up all these RESPONSIBILITIES that require STEADY INCOME so I need a job like RIGHT NOW. Up next is my storage unit fee which is almost a hundred dollars and I agree to give my father a monthly fee for receiving my mail and whatever packages. I dropped my phone and the screen is completely done for, not to mention someone picked my bag out of one the public lockers I left unlocked (silly me thinking no one would notice it was occupied) and the charger went with it. So new charger, case phone need to be ordered smh

Well I found a few great places to help with my car. Now I just need finances back online so that I can get that done and start back up with solid transportation. Still wondering how much is going to run me up. So far I have everything at about 1500. 

Well thats it. Other than feeling kind of down I think Ill be ight. Next stop tho is no holds barred. I dont think Ill be the nice George Fortune people remember from the past. I dont think hes welcome in 2021. 

Till next time. Fall coming. Get your hoodys ready

PEACE

Wings

So, since 11/7/19 Ive sat downtown in jail, sat in a corrections program, stayed with my mom, and dad, and now Im on my own.

There was house arrest at my moms, and the first part of staying at my dads. I still worked, but had to go right back to where I swas staying. 

Ive been off house arrest a few months now give or take. Im still on probation trying to get off early. I had a dirty pee once so far for alcohol. I still drink like a fountain, I just have to tip toe when it comes time for me to report to my probabtion officer. 

Marijuana, I think about it, because I used tons of it from 2014 until 2019. But its not as appealing to me. At least now how it used to be. A, it cost. And B, you have to be (at least for me) in a good state of mind to use marijuana and get what you are supposed to get out of it. I get so depressed looking at my bills, my health, social life etc thats its like, why even get high. 

I need some kind of social circle though. Since being out and off the ankle monitor I havent really met anyone. Tried re-kindling old flames, video calling old friends but thats been done. I dont even know the first step to really meeting any new people, besides social media. 

I try to do events. Like REAL events. Not just getting wasted drunk and sitting at the park. Alone. Thats whack. I was supposed to go to Summer Jam this year, but I messed around and let the tickets get too crazy in price. Not paying $100+ to see some rappers who just came out a few years ago. Jeezy was there though. But no, I need like REAL stuff to do, like make PLANS and then PROCEED TO CARRY THOSE PLANS OUT. So, I want to go see Coheed this Sunday, which I might because the tickets arent over $60. Then The Killers are coming in October, I’d like to see them too. I really dont know what else to do. I dont know how many more times I can get trashed and go to the movies though. It was cool the first couple hundered times, but now, eh.

Got a car from my dad. A cool $1000. Catch was, its been sitting for the past 3 or 4 years. So I’ll have to get it towed to a mechanic and have him look at it, which I KNOW is going to dig into my lettuce if you know what I mean. New battery, spark plugs tires etc etc not to mention windshield. And of course the things Id like to do it after its up and running like add some rims or hubcaps, a screen inside, some subwoofers etc. But yeah I passed my permit test so I should be taking it in to be looked at soon and possibly taking the road test in about a month.

Had a couple jobs since being out. Longest was a warehouse near Glenwillow.  Dirt Devil/Hoover. Boy, was it an intresting job. At first it was cool, painful but cool. Then, things starting to change a bit. It was a bit more lenient because I was hired through an agency. So I wasnt punished if I didnt show up everyday, yet, I showed up faithfully because A, love my mother bu didnt feel like sitting around her place all day and B needed income. Of course C, on probabtion so working looks good especailly consistantly for a steady year. So what happened? Well, the owner decieded to close one of the company’s warehouses and guess which one. So yeah had to go. Got calls to go work at their other location but I had already started at Nestle.

Nestle was the most money I had seen in a WHILE. The problem was A, I was still on the bus and B, they wanted me to work ALL SEVEN DAYS OF THE WEEK. No can do seeing as how I still have to complete Court Community Service on the weekends and yeah how to I say this.. I’d like to NOT turn into a vegetable. 

So now Im at a little place called Maid Brite. As the name states, we go around to different clients and well, play maid. Clean this, dust that. Every so ofter special requests are put in and its up to us to get it done. Do I like it? Its alright. Do I see myself doing it for life? Probably not. Is it alot less stressful than the last batch of jobs Ive been on? HELL YEAH. Can the co-workers and managers be funny acting and annoying? HELL YEAH

Living situation. Well, Ive been out of the homeless shelter for about three weeks. Got sent to a halfway house called Harbor Light. Still right Downtown, one bus away from work so commute is not bad. Is it better than the shelter? There’s a different structure here. No alcohol, no computers or games (Even though I game and study on the Mac everyday) and they accept less bullshit than they would at the shelter. The purpose is to get you ready to live on your own. Food is eh, it gets hot in the rooms and these other bunkies act like my nerves are a stage for tap dancing at times. But there are showers, snack give aways and they do save you a lunch and a dinner if you ask so that when you get off you wont starve.

So things are alright I guess. Im not happy, there are many personal acheivements I have yet to reach because I let my mind drift into the wrong places EVERYDAY. 

Its all good. I still study Core A+ stuff (One day a week) but its still better than nothing. (Okay maybe two days a week). I have study material on my phone and Mac so there is really no excuse. I dilly around on Dolphin, just installed Retroarch (two useless programs that have nothing to do with studying) which keep me distracted on the weekends and when I get off work. Also have mounds of Movies and TV shows on an external which also dont help. Will motivate self to study since being a maid until Im 50 just doesnt seem very George Fortune like. Unless they want to sell me the company. That would be a diffrent language. Speaking of that

I need to find another job. I had a nice second gig that paid loads of cheese but that went away. So Im thinking Doordash once I get this car up and running. Which isnt smart, wear and tear and miles on an already used car. Ill figure something out. Need second string of income. The vending machines, computer diagnostic software and mobile car washing services wont just appear out of thin air

Welp I guess thats it for a while. Finish these Chewy Sweetarts, playing some Phantasy Star and re-start the Weeds series. 

Be cool. Being hot all the time is exhausting.

5-7

 Long time no blog.

There is a lot going on, but first. First first first.

The strangest thing. I feel as if, everyone is copying me. Or watching me. Or mimicking me. Sometimes I find it cute. Most times though it drives me INSANE. 

Why? I honestly don't know. I carry on with daily life (whatever that's worth these days) and do both what I am supposed to do while also doing what I CAN do. And those two things are not easy to do.

There are instances where I can try and talk to a person, but they'll cut right front in me in mid conversation just to say "I already knew what you were going to say". Its like, if you already know what I am going to say, then why say it? 

Then there's other instances. Like I can do a simple movement or gesture to say itch my nose or yawn or something ordinary. Someone around me will do the gesture in front of me or before me just to say "I was first". Its like, oooookay. If I had cookies to pass out for doing that, Id be out within an hour. Maybe even first half.

It kind of reminds me of elementary school. A grade school from WAAAAAAAAAAAAY back in the day. That's nice, but when you are a 35 year old college drop out with a record, things get sticky with that concept. And we all act surprised when the blow up happens. "Oh, we never seen this coming". "Oh my God. After all we've done for him (Ha!) how can he ever be upset".

As I said, there are bigger more important issues to handle, like finding EMPLOYMENT,  place to LIVE. Maybe a CAR? I don't know. Maybe those things aren't first on the list of survival anymore.

Work wise I've been attending the same job pretty faithfully for the past 8 months. I wanted it to be a year, but the place might be closing soon. Due to Co-vid? Probably. I'm going to ride that until the wheels fall off and finish out with a bang so that when I go to my next job, whoever's hiring can say "Alight he might be around for the long haul". You know how it is right? Felon, brown skin, no real work history, things can be bleak. But being me, trying to stay optimistic, ANYHTING CAN HAPPEN

Where I'm living. Right. So I had ample opportunity to save buku bucks but what did I do? One Amazon turned into ten, two Marketplaces turned into twenty and bam I'm broke. I have a little saved up, just enough to find a cheap place somewhere. Hoping the neighborhood is decent and the utilities are included (as I said, pigs have been flying lately) that's about the only way I see that happening. 

Automobile. Well after finishing remedial driving course and the standard driving lesson, re-instating my license and finding my feels behind the wheel again, I did purchase a car that only needs a few things to get up and running. So at least that's one step towards something. 

Everything else though, relationships, family, friends and community wise I still need to put things together. Speaking of community

Community Service, for what feels like the one hundredth time, starts at the end of this week. So balancing work and that alone is going to eat up anytime I have to work on my license, on top of the fact I have to study for my A+ cert if I plan on finding at least lightly better work that's at least in the field I belong to. Warehouse work is cool, but its PHYSICAL 

Welp that's enough bloated ranting for today. Please listen to people before retorting. Thank you