A Day

Where is the missing frequency? Not where, but why does it miss me. Things feel rushed. Emotions are dull or burning. This isn't what I was working on. Hm. One of those days perhaps. Think think think. Why is the core of anything so hard to reach? And once reached why is it so hard to stay? Id like to live in the core. Learn the core. Thats what every things made of. Its hard to get in there. Its a rotten feeling this way.. I know things don't have to feel like this because Ive lived long enough and I have enough experience. The situation isn't pretty, but complaining one hundred percent of the way through isn't necessarily helping the situation. It boils down to how you deal with everything. And I mean everything.

I need friends. No, I need better friends. Ones who like to speak freely and openly. Friends who know the difference between life in a conformed box and life as it feels naturally. I need it because I feel alone and trapped. I feel like no one understands how this feeling feels. Everyone just goes on with the day instead of checking in with this feeling and seeing how it effects whats surrounding them. As long as the bills get paid they say. Not I.

I have a rare opportunity here. Not only have a gained employment (hip hip hoofrigginray) but I also have the eye of a person who see's the actions themselves, not what they are dressed up to be. Its whats been made of the situation. The care is being put on what things appear to look like, and thats whats taken at full value. Broaden the level of curiosity a bit.. As hard as that is today.. Because everything is either here, or there and no other way. But there are trillions of other ways.. "Here" and "There" are just the only two you've been given the option of selecting believing or accepting.

Im very thankful. Had the chance to see my family, both sides. Not all of either, my mom and dad come from opposite parts of the country. Most of my dads side came up from down south to my grandmas for Thanksgiving. Amazing family. Amazing food. Sensational children. Spent time with my mother before then. Her plate was delicious. Especially the mac n cheese. (I looooove mac n cheese). Seeing them helped me find more worth in existence big time. Feeling all that love under one roof from everyone. Remembering faces brought back foggy memories of being down south, riding bikes, scuffing up my shins on those high curbs.  Going to food fair, big grassy back yards and the weather being one hundred and ten degrees! Coming back tan like I had applied bronzing cream. I should've went to see my aunts and uncles on my moms side. I'll see them soon. I know they miss me. I miss them too.

I've been doing horrible with watching my diet even before Thanksgiving, thats probably why I feel like my bottom jaw is locked. So much sugar. Kool Aid, tea soda and other junk food has to be contributing to shortness of breath and the uncomfortable feeling in my mouth. Slacking hard on the workout too ack ack ack

Better days. Even better nights. Relationship with God maturing. Paying more attention. Letting more people in. Understanding life is a fluctuant current. And its not always a bloody massacre. Not always.

Okay. Fast food? Fast life.

PEACE

2-2

Today wasn’t all that great. But thats not why I am here.

When people look at me its like they see something that makes them uncomfortable or uneasy. What is that? What makes them look away from me as soon as I start speaking? I don’t remember it being like that when I was younger. People actually enjoyed talking to me. Whats changed? 

I was on the back porch, living out a shitty day, when the neighbor asked me if the dogs barking kept me up all night. I say I wouldn’t know because I sleep near the front of the house, but right when I said “I..” the woman sitting next to him turned away immediately, as if to say “Well he wouldn’t know anyway”. Whats with that? Very rude and snobbish behavior from someone who looked twice my age. But this isn’t the only occasion this has happened. 

See my voice is lighter than the average male’s, so I can see where brawnies and jocks might point and laugh and not take what I have to say seriously. My problem comes where I deepen my voice to hit the core of my vocals. Why would that be a problem you ask? Well thats when everyone frowns and wants to end it. So I don’t get it. I can’t win for losing. Honestly, tomorrow is another day, so Im done with this its old.

Woke up at nine. Went back to sleep. Woke up at eleven thirty. Made lunch. Ate with Heroes. Played some Sonic. Unlocked the next part of the game after beating the “Egg Bot Boss” or whatever it was. First stage in the second part pissed me off, so I turned it off and put in Tekken Tag 2. Beat it with Marshall Law and LiLi. Made some calls, set up a few missions and watched another episode of Heroes whilst cleaning a pig sty of DVD cases old sales papers and broom straws. The day just wasn’t quality. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh was the feeling hour upon hour. Cleaned up some more, got hungry and thought about playing Tekken 3 to unlock some more characters. Went back outside, posted some UFO quick price guides online and struck up an inquire about a Gateway screen replacement. Got him the estimate and was told he’d contact me when he was ready. 

Came back in still feeling low. Booted up Resident Evil 6 and began Ada Wong’s chapter. Not bad, but kind of annoying as shooting the soldiers only causes them to mutate into enemies even worse then they were before. Got to a puzzle that took me ten minutes longer than it should have and before I knew it, a few more gun battles later I was on a sinking submarine. After activating the power box and opening the door, I happily zip lined up into a situation where I had to answer questions directly into a speaker box while defending myself from idiot soldiers, nasty venomous fly swarms and etc.. That pretty much ended that chapter. 

And now Im here with a headache. Heroes Reborn season premier was saved onto the DTV. Hopefully it hasn’t been erased. Thinking about watching it.. But that unsettling feeing might just ruin it. I’d lay down and shut my eyes, but that only attracts negative thoughts. There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I need stable work so that I can save up and get out of this house.. Its not my kind of lifestyle.. I wasn’t raised for this.. Thoughts of hurting people deeply.. wanting to hear them suffer.. scream… wanting to see them bleed.. Those aren’t healthy normal thoughts folks. But who’s to say whats normal and healthy in the year twenty fifteen.. 

Be sure the expiration date on your groceries hasn’t been tampered with! 

PEACE

-Ignorant Wisdom-

So I've done what I believe to be a good interview with TruGreen. Probably ran away with my imagination a little bit towards the end, but I did get him to chuckle and loosen up a bit during the set and he did say "great answer" on more than one inquire.  

Barring the gift of laughter. People need to laugh. Its naturally  neccesary. Being around kids has me wondering; how do they not have a care in the world? Probably because they dont have the stress of being under constant depression like those of us who pay bills, run businesses or raise kids. But besides that, even after they have done something wrong, and a privalige of theirs has been taken away or they've been scolded, they still are not saddened because of a true gift.. A real happiness that is buried deep within their souls. No toy or TV could ever take that away form those kids. A real lesson to me; Im always buried deeply into a TV show, a video game book or music. So how could I ever know where MY own happiness is buried within me if Im always busy with something else? Thats a big part of being a citizen. Knowing how to lighten the air. We are all under pounds of stress every single day. Somebody has to cut through that, right? Its unhealthy for our minds and bodies. And its not easy breaking that mode of mind without sounding, or outright being fake. Or is it? Everyone wont understand this, at least not right away and there are many of us who still run away from what we do not understand. I point the finger at myself purely on that. Love. 

In my opinion love can be any and everything. And thats scary because, in this life you can run. You can run away from responsiblilties, people, hell the world. I AM PROOF of that. Granted you'll be broke, you wont have any nice things or any friends, but it IS possible to brush the world away. Love is there in everything you do. Whatever you touch. What you think. You must be fully devoted, or it will haunt you instead of help you. Let love do its thing, because it can hurt at times for it reveals truth and leaves you open to new things. The way we handle new truth.. 

We all have what I like to call, a “way” about how we would like things to be, or how we want things to go. Thats such a terrible box to live in, which is why its rough whenever I try to be social. (Look at how I hang these excuses up haha). I've made it a duty not to live in any kind of box. In fact, its tough for me to even see what people are talking about at times because, thats a box. People always have some kind of “main point” or “I say that to say this” attitude when conversating. So when they talk to me, its crazy because I dont fall into any obvious contraptions. I always try to stay as optimistic as the situation allows.  

Beautiful, stinking streets of cities. Filled with lies, smiles, attitudes, but mostly music. I break fools down into streams of shapes, sounds and colors. At times, I get looked at as a hero. Gave a kid my last dollar at FYE because, he was one dollar short. Whole store melted into a TV series about it. I didnt care. My goal was the kid, and filling in his missing puzzle piece. I was in fact uncomfy and left. Crazy what people will harp over. I guess thats just me living in my own little box where people should only harp where I see fit. Other times, Im looked at as a villian. Who is this guy. Who does he think he is. We do things like this round here. If you aint like the rest of us, you can go. Little do those guys know though, I feel the exact same. What a minute how was the last time a hero?

Im not trying to be white or black. (I definitely take up for MY PEOPLE that are of African, Egyptian culture). I hate that term “being black” its such a stereotype. I hate the word stereotype. Im not down for what TV has made the term “black” into. This gold chain, skinny jean american eagle aeropostale, ray ban wearing race who bump lil wayne and miley cirus. Shits sick. I am an orignal skate fashion artist, who even lived the skate life for a number of years before the TUBE got their money sucking hands on the whole style and just exploided it for dollars like they do (and have done) with everything else, including pregnant teens, retarded people and cancerous children. I got laughed out of some places for wearing what these kids do today. Ahead of my time some said. We are the rarest race on Earth, African Americans. Its a gift really. People show respect and fear those who are  not as common as the next man. Everyone is used to man or woman being on one path, to be better than one another or the next. But us as “Black Folk”, we tend to exceed the standard without even trying. Its a natrual to demand attention from the crowd. This is a scary ability though. Imagine living like Micheal Jackson used to everyday! People running up to you asking you questions, asking for advice, asking where you got this and that, asking you how you live and who are your family, how are you still alive and how you made it to where you are today, just for being “Black”. Insanity. 

Ive been up wasted for weeks in hotels. Ive dated the hottest. Been interested in drugs. (Came outta that though). Ive been in shootouts, had a gun pointed at me, been busted at. Ive been robbed. Been in fights. Ive bought hundreds of dollars of merchandise from my city's  main mall. Ive stolen many times. Ive pulled trickery over people. Lied. Ive done all that Good vs Bad Black fantasy ish that everybody harps over. That everyone believes every black person does. That everyone believes is Life. That ish is ignorance at its finest. Mind control at its most deadliest. 

Ill still take advantage though when I get bored. Ill rock multicolored gems around my neck and light a spliff. Ill smile at people with a sparkling rainbow mouth and step out in some unknown sneaks. Why? Because growing all that was straight up magic to me. So travel to the past? Bring up Santa Clause? No. I cant go buy him. He wasnt magic. He was a dream. But those ice wearing new shoe everyday guys on my block and on my tv screen were Gods. So would I be considered a God to myself? Whoo!

Its not about that as much as people think. You want people to look up to you, of course.  But not for making it far in a game that another man set up for you, you idioctic lab rat. You want people to see you for being turning out exactly the way you wanted to. 

2-1

More apps being filled out, side work is in the works and understanding patience and how it works have been the main things lately. Dunkin is hiring (said I’d never do another food service gig, boy was I wrong). A few PC’s have come up as well. The first sounds like a re-install, and the second Im supposed find out about today. Hoping its not some big nasty virus or horrid hardware issue. Ohio drivers practice test questions, Malcolm X bio notes and a little physics reading later, here I am.

Communication comes when it comes, but its still rusty. Lag, waiting for points and rushing to the end a lot leaves damage on the nerves, not to mention marks on the timing of ones ending. Calm down, listen to what someone has to say. Might not be all that bad. May actually be pertaining to something you’re interested in. 

The games. Lately its been big portions of GTAV. Looks like I have to locate gauntlet vehicles that are parked around town and they must be found and retrieved for a heist mission. About 60% into that one. Fight Night I took my third lost against a heavy hitting machine called “The Beast”. I pounded him out, but he pounded harder, making me fall to the canvas three times in five rounds. Third time I couldn’t get back up, so the bell sounded and I took the lost. Then theres Tekken, Sonic Generations and Soul Calibur IV. IV just feels more authentic to the Soul Calibur series compared to V. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fresh crispy feeling, new characters and redone presentation that V brought to the table, but IV just feels like a plushed out, well done game that sat out to feel “Finished”. Having as many characters as Soul Calibur V has, how you can you include no ending story for anyone? So we’re stuck with fresh new storyless characters? After completing the campaign mode included there’s really nothing else to do. Create characters, earn titles and boost your overall player level, other than those main points the game does nothing more to keep you interested in the long run. IV, on the other hand, offers Story Mode (even for custom characters) Tower of Souls Mode, not to mention custom weapons that add effects which change the prospective of battle tremendously. Just seems like there’s much more of a balanced pace in IV over V. Love both games though. Cant wait for VI. 

Found my copy of Tekken 3 while shuffling through random disc, so I loaded it up. Oh the grain! The boxed in format which tunnels my vision lol. As stiff as the game felt, it delivered, with furious “think now or pay later” kind of game play that lead to my unlocking three characters before turning it off. I got into Sonic Generations some more. I see what people love about this title, but after loading up SEGA Genesis Classics for PSP and playing Sonic 2, I can also see what people hate. Its well put together for what was tried for. In my personal opinion, for a game the represents “Generations” of the Sonic franchise it could have been a bit more of a solid game. Have I beaten the whole thing? No. Was unlocking the original Sonic the Hedgehog game unexpected and awesome as hell? Absolutely. Certain parts on many stages just feel lazy and not well thought out. I died because I ran through a wall on more than one occasion, which shouldn’t be happening seeing as how WALLS are suppose to be SOLID objects. But Im enjoying learning my way around such small glitches, as yes the game pisses me off but it also provides grave entertainment for those who are like I and yearn to play through stages that were originally created ages ago, brought back for our time with an expanded horizon and graphical update. 

A few new mixtapes in my iTunes. Kiss, Juelz and Cass have returned with new flame for my headphones.. or at least new to me. Im still looking for new rock tunes though.. I can’t find Coheed’s Year of the Black Rainbow anywhere. May just have to chalk a few dollars up at The Exchange. What new rock bands are out there? I still need Arctic Monkeys, Linkin Park, Yellowcard, Japanese Cartoon and many, many more bands that are missing from my iTunes. 

Right man so Ali ended up coming up to visit! Came up Saturday, left home Sunday but fuck we had a blast at the hookah bar. Went to Chipotle had a chicken bowl with mainly just cheese tomatoes and other light garnishings (Don’t really mess with the beans and the other stuff too much). Ate that, chatted outside and pretty much went straight to the bar. 

So things were pretty average until we ordered the first hookah. Thats went things loosened up, jokes flew around and weird but appropriate giggles rolled into smiles and laughs. Vic came and well, from there it pretty much lit up. We ordered another hookah, some Grey Goose shots, some delicious beer or ale type of beverage I couldn’t tell you the name of, I ordered some Jameson shots, drank some Long Island Iced Tea. The place eventually filled up, and well thats when the magic started.

For the last hour or so there was a dance off, between two guys with some girls on the side. The girls came and pulled us out of our seats for some light prancing (I never was a dancer still don’t really) but it was fun to be close up with gorgeous people pumping estrogen testosterone alcohol smoke smiles and laughs. Everything was sticking to me and flying off me at the same time, if THAT made any sense. So I sat my tipsy self down and watched them get real with the dance off.

The heart thief, the robot and all the other iconic dances you could think of pretty much went down. Each move was more of a story that said “Yeah, so what can you do now? What can you think up next?” Ordered one more pitcher of that great tasting alcoholic beverage that looked like beer and the lights came on. Stumbling up we exited the bar and ended up outside on the steps in front of the Grog Shop.

I told James I had some bubblegum kush back at the car, so we exchanged Ali my leftover Chipotle for her car keys. Went back to the car, rolled up and gave him a sneak peak of the mixtape I’d been working on. He says “Yo, I can definitely respect the evolution..” went on about that then something else. Kush rolled, I close the door and start the animation to light up when Ali and Vic come dancing down the sidewalk. With no Chipotle. Im like where’s my food? My eight/nine dollar leftovers that was sure to be a hitter the next morning they go on about how Vic knocked it out of her hand, no no Ali dropped it, a big flub ball of whatever.. Im like REALLY!? Lighting up we commence in discussing what just went on and  what was about go happen. Talks of another bottle? The hotel room? Vic grabs me by the left arm and we dug slightly into a weird but completely comfortable conversation about frying recipes. Somehow things got switched and Ali was on my arm, saying how Vic had to drive because she’d had too much to drink. 

We got to the car and had an episode there for about twenty minutes so. The bathroom, who’s gonna drive my car, how am I getting back, are you staying over, who’s got curfew.. Eventually ending up in the car, we drive right over to the next lot where Vic’s car was. In attempts to roll up AGAIN I just can’t take it, so I walk down to where the playground to drain what seemed like four liters of liquid. Surprisingly a skunk decided to join me from about eight feet away. I spotted him, he spotted me. Slowly zipping up, I back away with caution not wanting to get this guy excited at all. After backing out of the playground and back up to the grass I turned around and started thanking the air around me.. “Whew I didn’t get sprayed!” Got close to the car and explained to them what happened, as they bawled on like what I said had come from a book or show. 

More clambering about what we’re about to do, then we did it. Got back to the hotel and things from there started turning into black swirls with color. Instead of trying to figure it out, I just gave up. Next morning (which had an rather interesting turn of events) we got showered, got dressed and got out. 

I sit now watching an episode of Heroes, wondering what game shall I load up. Burgers for dinner it looks like. Might start this broken Wii project thats been staring me in the face. Disc aren’t reading anymore. It is the lens? The gears? Menu and everything appears fine on power up. Ill tamper with it perhaps once I locate the composite cables (or component eithers fine). Get a few UFO flyer up, lift a few weights, review a few short term goals and chill out a while.

Things that have gone bad can appear to be fresh and good. But nothing beats the nose. 

PEACE

Palm