80s

 Interview Monday.

Another cleaning/janitor position. Do I feel like doing it? No. Do I have a choice? No. I need cheese to keep Metro Extra Storage and Trexis happy. Not to mention my own little silly White Claw Burger King and Dorito habits fulfilled. Hopefully they pay more than the last gig. And hopefully I dont have to work all day. 10 and 12 hour shifts start to eat you after a few weeks. Well I found out how to not go so hard on my body while working so I should be okay to hit the gym study and focus on my mother while I get other things done. 

So, I've been thinking, and its scary to think. I need a break. From this city. I feel like everyone sees me as a felon. Not a man trying to come up. Not a valuable asset. But I feel like someone who can be treated any old kind of way here. My mind body and brain need a breath of fresh air. My eyes need to see new surroundings. My existence needs to know other scenes exist. This is weird because lord know financially I couldn't even dream of living or even visiting another city, let alone another state. But mentally would I be ready for another set of laws? Other kind of government? I don't know. I just feel like I've become on such a same old same old basis I need something to shake me. Move my body. Scare me into my own self. I feel like everything is so detached from me. 

This wouldn't be forever clearly. I love the city I'm from. I've seen it come a long way. In fact, this place is on its way to being the capital of what my passion literally is. I couldn't see myself running elsewhere to start a new life claiming it couldn't be done here because of legal reasons. After I expunge these felonies the excuses should drop. I should be certified and working by then and on my way to POSSIBLY getting my first degree. 

These are bold words for a brown boy whos on probation. I say this because nothing motivates me. Nothing grinds me. The only two things that push me are exercise and CompTIA apps. People don't. The city will always be the city. But I don't feel anything worth it or special. Everyone's entitled. I feel left out. This is not the way I remember growing up. You had to earn your way. And people knew it. They felt your work and wouldn't question it

I also need a girlfriend. Not my mother, not a female companion. But an actual wife. Someone who wont run and puts up with my shit. I say this because I notice I have no bounds. I don't stop myself. I don't limit my behavior. Anything goes with me.. and that's dangerous in 2022. Every little action is watched. Every single word is heard. And I say I need a woman because besides my boy fantasies of a beautiful woman there are things I never learned growing up. I know a woman's worth, what she's capable of but other than that that's it. Unlocking a woman's full potential is a grand scale achievement in life, I feel like I have yet to one hundred percent accomplish that goal. I just feel like I have alot to learn when it comes to compromise, sharing learning more about female feelings emotions etc. 

At times I feel like a wild beast. Others as tame a pile of molasses. I cant find balance. My emotions are out of control. I punched a dent in a locker because my last bunk mate decided to jump onto some prejudice bandwagon and start hooping and hollering about how he'll fight me and he's supreme and blah blah blah. I'm not for the talking or the show, and with the pressure that's been building up inside of my body I would've beat the bullshit right out of his ass and whistled my way to jail knowing it was rightfully so. But that's irresponsible. Why throw away three years of (almost) perfect behavior for someone who was once all for chit chatting and now all of a sudden a racist. Its not worth it. I cant and wont let others trigger my actions.

Turning 36 under these stipulations is a trip. I was suppose to go to college at 18, graduate at 22 and live the success story by 27. Here I am trying to scrape together what little integrity and dignity I have and make a solid impression with it. Its not cool. I regret the time I wasted. But, at least the lesson has been learned. 

Speaking of lessons, the ex's haunted family is slowly, and I do mean SLOWLY, exiting my life. The ghost are less abundant, people don't sob or shy away from me as much, I don't feel as shitty as a human possibly can first thing waking up. I don't know if its because I'm trying to attempt a new schedule, I'm involving more people on a deeper level, I don't give up as quickly as a use to, I dont appear as weak as I use to be, alot come into play with this. I wont celebrate until I feel completely back to normal, back to my old self again. That's going to be awhile since yes her and her family has done damage to me I was also doing my own damage to who I am. So I need to build some muscle in my balls and conquer those insecurities so that things can attempt to be livable. If thats a word

Welp. I think I'll grab a steak quesadilla (added bacon) and a Pepsi. Head back and get ready for the week to come.

Don't get excited until you know its safe to get excited.

PEACE  

 

Pain

 Welp. Job lost.

This time, its due to physical limitation. I can't work continually without having to stop and take breaks. I am headed to Pivot Staffing and Great Works tomorrow morning. I will probably go to the library first and fill out apps or call ahead and make appointments. But according to Indeed positions are open.. 

Mother doing okay, seen her about a month ago and called about a week ago. I was supposed to go see her this past weekend but as usual I was hit with a sick wave of depression and canceled. She understood but told me I need to see her sometime soon. 

I have to go see my father to grab tax mail and get it in Turbo Tax before April 15th. I get my last check Friday and will use it to pay phone bill and postal fee. I put my foot in my mouth when I told him Id give him a payment for holding my mail, now I have to pay the piper. Fail. 

Im honestly exhausted. Being lonely isn't the way to be. Im 35, have 0 friends and my family seems to operating on another level of existence. I can't wait to find another means of employment. My schedule was going PRETTY decent. Work, workout, write, read, study. Simple. Do need to start reaching out to old friends on Facebook though. They do send messages and try to video call I just never answer. 

I shut the TV and Music off for the last.. four or so days. Its like life around me transformed. Things are harder without crutches and vices. I drink White Claw every weekend, twelve of them, but its gotten watered down and boring. Facebook Instagram and Twitter turn into blurry blobs of useless data. I dont know.

I need to get in shape though. My body.. the organs in it dont move. And being beat down by work worry and stress dont help it. I dont exactly eat nutritional meals either so its not like I dont expect some kind of fatigue. But to not be able to do simple missions without breathing super hard is not good. I need treadmill action jogging action some cardio. For now, I found some Android apps that give me basic home workouts. Squats situps pushup pull ups jumping jacks bird dogs knee to chest etc etc. It definitely helps. What I need is an abdomen workout that works on my belly waist and lower back. After doing those for a few months I should be feeling pretty good. Still won't stop me from skateboarding around. 

I dont know. I miss stuff thats how I feel. I won't say things are boring, because they aren't. But its not how it used to be. But who am I to complain? 

Thats it. Try not to spend so much on fast food

PEACE