5-6

 Well. Things are.. what they are.

Therapy coming up. Medicine appointment coming up which I am not looking forward to since I dont believe I need any medicine. I need to fast for a few weeks (maybe a month) change my diet around for the most part axe out alot of soda and salt. 

What I am most interested in is the relationship I have with myself and others. At work (warehouse in solon) things are up and down. Where I live (with my mother and her husband) things are strange. One minute things are alright and the next Im Thanos from the Avengers. Im just trying to figure out where I belong in all of this.

I am finding my own ways to deal with the ghost of my past relationship. She (and her entire family) still haunt me even now as I type this blog. They turn everyone I meet into enemies. My mood is always bleek which is how it used to be with them. I am getting better at facing my own problems with this because no one can help me. So yeah its coming along. I remember dealing with something like this almost ten years ago with the ghost of a woman. Haunted me for a few years. Im making progress with this is all I can say.

Im getting worried about where I am going to stay. I have a job but its through a temp agency. Im a little scared to talk to them about being there permanently because A) the work is the longest way from what I do (its not my profession) and B) its physically crazy everyday and Im not built for that kind of job. Right now though I need anything that comes seeing as how I have a felony on my record, and this co-vid is wrecking everything as far as business is going. I tried an old friend and they have a full house. Im dreading it, but I might try my father. Only because the been there done than speech is just so dead when you get so old. But its about to get cold, and Ill be willing to listen to a thousand speeches to stay warm and safe around someone familiar. The fire side of me still want to tough it out at the shelter.. save and start from the ground up so that I can say I did it on my own.. no one can throw it up in my face how they "fake" helped me.. half way helped me.. acted funny all while providing an assistance.. its like when do we grow up. But I get it. When you already have what you want you can pretty much do whatever. 

So yeah. I did take advantage of being here with my mom and her dude. They told me not to really worry about paying them any money, so I got a laptop, a few games and that leaves room for my phone bill food and bus passes while saving everything else. Probably going to get a coat and some Timberland boots next week before the weather gets crazy.

Well, I went back reading old messages on Communities and boy was it something else. We had so much fun in those days. Just the girls I dated, friends I had and people I used to deal with. It wasnt the best but we always made the most out of everything. We could think healthier.. or something back then. I dont know what happened.

Well, thats it. New horizons coming up. Getting ready for them is where I am. 

Face shields are ridiculous. The mask is enough. 

PEACE

5-5

 Well, Im still at my mothers, and will probably be here until January. I am still recovering from escaping my first steep narc relationship, and my mom can kind of understand. 

I got my first stimulus, which could not have come at a better time. Just about anything I need, her husband will go out to Wal*Mart and I just Cash App him the end total. I landed a warehouse job at TTI Floorcare, so of course work shoes, lunch materials etc had to be purchased. Because I am restricted to this building only I cannot go to any store to do any kind of shopping whatsoever. 

Things are still pretty weird as far as my social relationships with people. My family remembers me as who I was before I was living with the narcs, but I dont thing they understand the severity of the damage done to my spirit soul and mentality. It is going to take a few years minimum before I can even dream of who I was before encountering them. 

Right now, I am just thankful that I explained to her most of what was going on and whats happened to me and the challenges that ensue. She is still no nonsense as she has always been but she can kind of overlook how some of me isnt responding right now. I just feel a little better knowing that an actual real family member is in my corner. 

I still have to find a storage unit and retrieve my things from their place. And even then, my P.O. says she only wants my father, nobody else, in the house and getting my stuff. Which is tough, because I havent spoken to him in probably a few years. Im going to get a few paychecks and then try to put a call to him. 

Other than that, nothing is really going on, not like anything really can. Im getting prepared to retake the drivers exam, looking at used cars and taking peeks at affordable apartments. Work is work, money being saved. Its also a workout. Whew! Warehouse work is no joke. Just getting ready to be back out there on my own, repeice together my life as I see it to be. Its a recovery for sure, and its definitely not a quick process. But its possible! 

Well, thats it. Wash your hands and keep your mouth and nose covered. 

5-4

You know, when a person seems harmful to your mental health, remove them from your life's circle immediately. You cannot help them and time does nothing for them.

I had to learn this the hard way. Its been almost 8 months spent in corrections facilities, 6 in county jail and 2 and a half at a community based corrections place. 

I found out the person I was dealing with has had a serious hold on my interaction with other people, which explains why my family dropped out of the picture while I was living with "those people".

Now, before I go one, I am definitely to blame. A, I am a grown man who decided to stay in that situation knowing how toxic it was and how bad it was for me mentally. And B, no matter how embarrassing, I should have sought help or guidance from outside family no matter how deeply I felt they would never understand.

So long story short, after coming out of jail the second time and having nowhere to go, I took it upon myself to think its okay to go back and stay at the "victims" house knowing there was a protection order on the place, as stated in one of my last vlogs. Things werent going good, but werent going bad either. I took it upon myself to trip over something in the basement and her father heard it, calling the police. That resulted in me catching a felony charge. 

Now here I sit, at my mothers on house arrest for six months. According to my p.o. everything is being run by the judge. He said if it was up to him, I would only have 3 months of house arrest if any since I did so well being violation free throughout the county jail and the community based corrections facility. But since this particular judge is up his ass about all of her cases, he has to pretty much play the puppet. What he said was as long as I stay on top of the things I am supposed to, like knocking out community service hours, finding a job, saving money getting a place a car things like that he will submit a good report on my behalf and I could possibly be released from this ankle monitor after three months. 

Not to mention, everything I've ever owned sits in her basement. Its a struggle getting my things from over there because first, SHE has to okay anyone coming over to get the stuff and second I have to somehow come up with a way to store those things while I find employment and a place to live. So yeah

Its been a real exciting year so far in 2020. Kobe and his daughter, Covid 19, George Floyd amongst many other situations. Its good to back around my mother though, I am thankful for that. She is am extremely great person to be around. Her husband is pretty cool too. Im surprised to STILL be dealing with symptoms of "those people" like I am still around them everyday, its really strange. But, the more I do for myself and the more I seek honesty and clarity the further away I see those symptoms going.

Well thats its for now. I have an appointment Monday at the court community service building and then I have to see my p.o. after that. Im going to see if he's called the "victim" about someone coming to get my things. Other than that, alot is really on hold due to this ankle monitor, no income and Covid-19.

Stay safe out there. Mask up.