Well well...
Its been quite a while since blogging here on Blogger. Vlogs are my latest shindig, as I have many posted online via YouTube. I like being personal and up close. Seeing how I look facially with what I say etc etc. Its a little bit more exciting than reading words.
But then. Theres also something about a good wordy blog. Especially from someone like myself, with the things I go through everyday.
So whats it like three years later? Welp its been back at my ex girlfriends house, which is technically her dads. And when I tell you.. in the beginning things were okay. When I came there I was jobless, hopeless and pretty much dickless. I sad little muddle of a man. No dreams no goals no aspirations. I felt death towards everything and everyone. I wanted to do nothing with anyone. Not go outside. Not check the mail. Not even take out the trash. I hated being out there. I had given up period. But whats odd is, that was 2013. Six years ago. Fast foward to 2019 and I most certainly have goals, my dreams come and go, but most importantly the sad little muddle is almost gone. Not saying Im standing tall. Just saying I know now something must be done.
How did I come to this conclusion? Whew. Alll kinds of things had to happen. Jail one of the biggest. The system for a lack of better words. Being in a hellish relationship that pretty much wants to be built around "The system" but isnt ready! Family disappearing anf reappearing. Seeing old friends from 2006-2008 and them saying "Whoa man. You dont look the same. Are you okay?" And just hundreds of personal formulas in my own mind equating out to the obvious. Whats the obvious? I wasnt meant to be a couch potato. Okay. Im good at being a couch potato. But thats definitely not what was meant to be my first and only full time job.
Another thing HUGELY noticeable. Nothings funny! Not one laugh. Not even a smiggle. I get it. You grow up and everything isnt funny anymore. Theres bills, cars, houses busniess families and a plethora of other things that make life spin that arent funny. I get it. Its serious. You mess up its over. But duuuude... you have got to lighten up sometime. Being serious 24/7 will shrivel what little personality you have left. Then you become bitter. Mean mugging people. Angry. Nothings good enough. I feel bad for people dont laugh. ESPECIALLY living here in the United States. What planet are you from? There shit everywhere to laugh at. Wether you wrong for laughing or not. Still. Its like medicine. Without laughter, you become sick. And someone as silly as me? Man I became deathly ill. This came to me in the weirdest place of all time. You'd never believe where.
Jail.
County jail. Not a holding cell. Not a locked room. I mean the real deal. The shit you see on Scared Straight etc etc every other jail show. I happen when I had seen these guys, they wernt fairy type at all, but they could laugh. Full orange jumpsuits and all. They joked. They made fun of shit. Laughed at petty staff and etc etc. It was then I saw myself in the mirror and said "What the fuck happened to you?"
I let life crush every piece of hope, soul, spirit I had. It had defeated me. Then I found the bigger problem. Because I was bringing myself out of those dark murky depression phases. It was the atmosphere. I had noticed. There's no laughter there. No good spirit, which is hard to believe because children live there. Again. Im not blaming anyone for my mistakes or problems, but normally, when you clean spilled milk it stays off the floor. You dont clean the spill to turn around and find it right where you just put in work getting it up.
I went around some counselors and emotional professionals. They simply put it this way, "They are an unhappy people." It was as simple as that. I wouldn't believe it. Then life itself starting showing me the obvious comparisons. And well.. they were right. The people I was (and still currently am) living with are.. miserable. And they prefer to keep it that way. Its a serious way of life because, if someone had a good day at work or school, or came up on something good, any kind of good spirit you have to hide it. You cant share it with them. They will become jealous. Not only that, they will summon a damper which sticks to you and drags you entire day down.
Now. Think of me. George Fortune. Gee. Napalm. If you think back, I was usually the most optimistic out of my group of friends. Finding the positive in any situation etc etc.
Now imagine me since 2013 going through job after job. Network after network. Relationships with people failing and Im just wondering. What the fuck is going on? Now fast foward to 2019 after being educated. Imagine my anger knowing that the very people I was living with were the problem.
What am I doing to fix this? I cant help them living with them. IF.. and thats a big if.. IF they can be help I'd have to on my own feet.. making my own money.. driving my own car.. building my own networks working a job that works for me. I have to be the example. I cant be a crackhead at the AA meeting telling other people to quit smoking. If you get what Im trying to say. So no, Im not running out on the people who took me in. Im just ready to grow up.. at least a little bit. Im 33 for christ sakes. Hold a job. Stack some cheese. Get a congratulations from someone other than the obvious.
Thats only one big part. The rest.. relationships, friends, finances, music, gaming Im sure will all come together once Im free. Once again.. Cant wear all white shoes going to a muddy place. Cant leave bananas on the fridge all week. Cant let the grass get too tall Im sure you get where Im going
Anyways. I know this vlog was really unimportant. Personal loads did come off my back doing this and odd my chest, so I wont say time was wasted. Ill just.. get some super interesting topics mapped out and make up for it. One day. Not today
Stay cool. Dont forget to use your blinker on the road.
