4-1

4-1

The art of the application. How is one looked at? How is one compared to the rest of the hundreds or thousands that are raring for a chance to be employed? I think about such things because Ive been filling these things out.. relentlessly.. I feel like my efforts disappear into a black hole because either a) I get no feedback or b) when I do decide to get up off my lazy keister to go check up on em they always give me that FAMOUS line “We’ll call”. So Im kinda digging into the whole process because not only am I curious as to why I am not employed, but Im also wondering how various hiring staff(s) decide on who to call. You know. What pops off of an application that says “Call me!” and what on the app makes someone say “Welp they won’t get a phone call”. I mean besides the obvious typo or disagreeing to a drug test. Speaking of that

Marijuana is not a dangerous drug. I don’t believe it can hinder someone from competing ones work. I don’t think it should be on the list of drugs to tested for. Is it my favorite? Well its the only “Drug” ill do. Besides the blue moon pain pill. And Im skeptical about that. My think is the plant doesn’t nor has it lead to any deadly or fatal scenes happening at or on the workplace, at least none that I’ve heard of (does Google search. nothing crazy came back) So yeah its safe for me to ask then; whats the problem with weed? Ill be upfront about some of the issues Ive run across. First and foremost is definitely what its wrapped in. The Philly Blunt. The White Owl. The Swisher Sweet. Its as bad as tobacco itself. In fact, if my knowledge serves me correctly all of those products are tobacco. They are the problem in my opinion as far as whats causing lung cancer and other oral/internal diseases. The cure? Use organic rolling papers. Better yet, there are.. I hate to call them machines but objects that some properly vape the bud so that you only get smoke from the tree itself nothing else. Rather expensive Id imagine, but there are options. 

I bring these up because I feel like Im at a stand still. Of course I need work, but as spoiled rotten as this might sound I also need my pot. Its the only thing that takes my mind off of everything. What am I to do here. Lets see I put it down for a month last year around the holidays to drug test for a job. Got lucky cause around the fourth week is when the test came around. Obviously as clean as a whistle. This year about a month ago I put it down for three weeks hoping to run into another gig that would test me in that fourth week of being clean. Nothing came back, so on the fourth week instead of going on strong I caved and bought three grams. I say I caved, because the drama level.. I feel like Im supposed to handle without the needense (yes I make up my own words) of any outside sources. Thats how it used to be.. My critical thinking skill has diminished.. Im much more hotheaded than I normally am (and even when I was hot headed I could joke about it.. not these days) I just lack overall patience (Im like my own psychiatrist lol). Ive been this way for the past few years. Much better these days tho. I fear Ive grown accustomed to the plant. I fear my body is now attached to its benefits. Ive used (Ill admit even abused) it heavily over the past three years. Before then was on and off, and then before that the use was recreational. I mean I don’t scratch my neck and let my lips turn white but I do tend to smell it throughout the city on the buses and over at people houses. Speaking of peoples houses

I don’t visit anyone. Actually now that I think of it, I don’t have any friends haha. How sad. 

No seriously. I’ve just sat here and come to that conclusion lol

So that would explain it. I don’t spend anytime with anyone. But why don’t I? Im too embarrassed to be around anyone who is employed. You know how it is. They get to talking about how much they spent at the bar, how many of their co-workers annoy them etc etc and you know.. I just can’t relate with that.. Bad enough Im just starting to rekindle my care for small talk (seeing as how vital it is in being successful at anything) but.. I don’t know… just too weird you know. Yeah I do it all alone these days.. I talk to myself.. out loud.. I game alone.. Fighting games too so imagine my irritation with a.i. issues.. I listen to music by myself.. And yep.. when I do smoke its usually me myself and I. But who do I hang with? And what happened to the great friends I once had? Hmm. They either moved, changed or God knows what. So there it is. But thats no excuse.. I have family.. Mom and Dad as still living praise God.. (two Gods in one blog. what controversy!) Cousins scattered all over this country.. not to mention a one or two down to earth people right here in town that for some odd reason its impossible for me to reach out to them. And they say whenever they try to reach out to me the result is the same. And anyways my friends have lives. Why would they want to be bothered with broke, lonely old me? 

So yeah at least we figured one thing out tonite. Perhaps Ill swing over to someones place I haven’t been to in a good while tomorrow. More later. Gonna make some chinese, and get restart (yes, I said restart) Orange on Netflix.

Always ask your roommates if they have colds before you put your mouth on a universal water bottle. 

PALM

3-9

You know, its been quite some time since Ive blogged. I don’t even know what number blog this is. Its my fault though. Instead of blogging the good with the bad, I only blogged when something extremely good or horrifically awful happens. And here lately, its been a giant sized blender of both. 

Firstly, Ive made the decision to move from my old street to a place in a different city (slightly different) with two old friends of mine. Mind you, there’s still some kind of “employment repellent” all over me everywhere I go.. I’ve not only applied online but Ive taken the initiative and have started walking into these businesses that I’ve applied to.. with absolutely no prevail. Im to the point now I want to walk into a place with a gun and make them hire me.. haha.. no really.. 

Anyways moving in with this female and male is the worst and best thing Ive done in a while.. I though it was bad where I was.. Thats physically messed up.. But this.. this my friends is different totally..  This is spiritual warfare.. I have a book called exactly that which I should get back to reading. Anyways though its crazy because no one speaks.. everythings hidden in a shadow or in the background.. especially with the male.. nothing spoken for ever.. things are done it seems behind my back instead of offered you know? This is dangerous because I know the entire world doesn’t operate like this and the longer I stay here the longer I accept such confusing behavior. 

Its like God has me trapped. And don’t say “What God?” because Im tired of hearing it. What lessons am I suppose to learn? I know I have a patience problem.. but its only because it seems like everyone has gotten used to playing stupid which furiates to me to no end.. only because I know the reason behind them playing dumb! 

That went completely sideways. Bluntly put though thats pretty much how it is. My roommates play an idiot role and seem to get a kick out of it. All I can do is pray that a decent playing gig is on the rise so that I can leave them to it. I don’t hate them.. matter a fact I love them.. but I can’t condone in blowing life and acting content with it when I know at the end of the day I’ll do nothing but be disappointed. Pray pray pray. Speaking on blunt.. I had left bud for exactly four weeks but labor day came (always a but) and well I got drunk, sipped out and (you guessed it) smoked out. I bought a few grams from two different dealers. Im starting to scare myself because I need a specific kind of weed.. a lighter bud that I can smoke for scaring away dark, miserable forces.. Some of the bud I use does that.. But others I come across invite those forces in.. and fighting them can be energy consuming and exhausting. But I do feel stronger after the battle! 

Ill admit it Ill admit it. Lifes boring. Its only exciting parts are when Im out on the town. Hustling about the city. Possibly meeting new people. Wondering what they think about life. Thinking about the people I love brings a good vibe too. Good times good conversations about.. everything. I like fashion too. I like dressing how I feel. One day its a pair of Wranglers, some OSIRIS and a Famous tee.. Others its a baggy pair of corduroys and a button up shirt with some Vans.. My collection always needs updating though.. Im always feeling some new different way! Video games are alright these days.. but are no where near worth what they used to be in my opinion.. just a buncha high definition graphics and dlc.. Gaming.. used to be a sacred art man lol what happened. Music has made a come up.. at least in the Hip Hop/Rap category. Snoop dropped a album called COOLAID.. knocking heads completely off.. not to mention Snoop came to Ohio for a killer ass concert.. chained up and bright as hell my stoned ass laughed cried fell in mud.. I mean what else? Wiz was ill too.

Things just seem stand stilliish.. Another thing.. all the advice and wise words Ive given for everyone.. they capitalize and get jobs and live better lives happily ever after.. ok wheres mine? Lol Hate to sound selfish or in a hurry.. But wheres my nice paying job? Where’s my chance to ignore people? To act like they don’t exist? I want to treat certain people like golden dipped diamonds while treating others like turds. I want to flaunt big plans that others can and will never be apart of. I want to have jolly laughs while they’re in the back feeling left out.. when do I get to do all that? Yeah Im impatient I wanna know lol 

Ahhhh I know that shits high school. I know lifes way more that getting back at people who’ve treated you lowly. That happens on its own once things pick up. Im more interested in getting other goals accomplished.. like completing this mixtape.. fleshing out more of the Cold Shrine and other projects.. till them time to shop at Wal*Mart. 

—————————————————— ————— —— — —— — —  — —————————***

Ah. That went rather smoothly. Besides the balance mishap but was fixed rather delicately. Now I sit with my bags bunched up under in between my feet typing away. 

Lately its been impossible for me to make sense out of things. I wonder day and and day out why people do what they do, how they can live with with themselves after committing such acts and how is it that God skips them when it comes down to doing and knowing right from wrong. Its like Gods on me 24/7, making me pay for even thinking something bad. Meanwhile I get forgotten about, treated as  leftovers and yet expected to show up bright and cheerful right the next day or later on that day. Insane. I thought respect and love were about more than finances. False. At least in this realm Ive been living in. 

I find something to complain about everywhere. I go. Im a nit picker. Big time. If I walk into a five star hotel or restaurant, and I see a piece of lint on the floor, you can bet Ill scream my face out about it. You’re five stars! Live up to your name. Meanwhile the flock behind me says “Dude, its just a piece of lint” Thats just an example of how I feel about certain things that go on around me, with everyone. Be complete is my only wish, is my only request. Why is this so hard for people who have (or claim to have) so much success?

Another thing that bugs me big time is how we don’t work problems out anymore, we just walk away form one another, may it be family, friends, people out in the city, co-workers, we just do what I like to call “hanging up”. You know? How if you were arguing or disagreeing with someone on the phone instead of trying to crack into the problem you just got fed up, and well, you hung up. Yeah okay, very true. But we tend to do this in person. How does anyone win? Whats sad is I can’t take much nonsense at once, so Ive joined the trend of walking away from people. Hell, avoiding them altogether. Ill talk ma shit about them in a separate realm, hell, even talk shit about them loud as day when I know they’re in the next room because I know they won’t say or do anything about it. Its a sick, twisted fun. But its not my style. Not to mention its too taxing on the emotions if there are any left lol

Man. I just think things could be so much simpler if we listened. If we stopped depending on false emotion and started reaching out. There are sooooo many different kinds of people in the world.. I just find it impossible to justify disrespecting or ignoring someone just because they can’t communicate on what you may feel is a more superior level. If fact, wouldn’t that make you the problem if you won’t show or explain to them how you feel things should be? You the gatekeeper, the key holder, who keeps everyone out, instead of taking the time to see who deserves in. Hmm. We’re all guilty of this though.

Swinging through South Euclid. Its a grey day today. Uber small raindrops. Whole skys silver with ribbons of darkness though out. Citys chumming along. Had a few words with an older fella. Tried to help a foreign woman (I can only assume she was Italian) with directions. Thought about getting some Fire Emblem in but I decided to tippity type this instead. I still wonder.. What do these businesses look for when they hire? Im not a drug dealer. Im not a pimp. Nor am I a criminal. Is it back to school? Damnit we’ve gone through that. Certifications Smertifications. I guess now its time for a degree? Know many who say its a useless sheet of paper. Buuuut Im not them. Whats left? I can’t keep like this forever.. Its like everything is using everything in its power to hold me back from what I want and all I do is continue to fight.. just to stay afloat! Just to survive man. No big time checks, no fancy car to drive, no eight beddy with the guest house nope. Im fighting, blood sweat and tears, just to breathe. All I keep asking myself is where does this all lead? I been saying Im done with everything, but that doesn’t do anything but cause depression. I been saying Im amped and ready for everything, buuuuut that only leads to disappointment. I stick here in the middle for a while I guess. Haven’t tried that.

Welp. Hopping off, making a grand club with sourdough bread, delectable meats and many, may cheeses. I like cheese. A lot. A really lot.

Good day. Remember, keep your budget within your budget 

PEACE